[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Outraged citizens, incensed by the shredding of children’s bodies at Sandy Hook Elementary School last week by a crazy with an assault rifle, turned out in droves at the grave of Charlton Heston, legendary CEO of the National Rifle Association, to rip him out of his entombment. Their goal was to tear the Bushmaster .223, the same assault weapon used in the Sandy Hook massacre, out of his hands that he was buried holding.
Charlton Heston is famous for his remarks made a week after the school shootings at Columbine High School in which he said “If you want my gun then you will have to tear it out of my cold, dead hands.” This they have now done. Not only did they pull it out of his cold, mummified hands, but they also slammed a few rounds into his corpse out of sheer spite. They then reburied the body, a few spitting on it for good measure.
Unfortunately, the burying didn’t put an end to the story of Charlton Heston. Just like his nemesis’s in his famous movie “The Omega Man” the exposure to fresh air returned him to the semi-living and,digging his way out of the grave he returned to plague his fellow man much like the zombies tormented him in Omega man. And, like in Omega Man, the new Mr. Heston, now minus his famous chiseled good looks due to years of moldering, needed a fast firing, multi-bulleted gun in which to deal with those who had defiled his final resting place.
Although he was basically a rotted ghoul without a soul, he still managed to procure one at at flea market without having to show an I.D. or go through a background check. Of course, the state he was buying it in was Mississippi so he probably would have gotten a background check anyway.
Some things never change.
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