[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Going ‘down the tubes’ ditched in favor of the more dire ‘to hell in a handbasket’
A group of Sociologists at the University of California – Berkeley have recently completed a ten-year, in-depth study of the behavioral shift in social consciousness of people all over the world and have concluded, without a doubt, that humanity is going to hell in a handbasket.
Dr. Di Eng, chief sociologist in the group says that while the doctors were looking for a better term to describe what is happening in our world today, from violent uprisings to mass shootings, no better term described the results of their study.
“Before we began our study,” said Dr. Eng, “we were pretty well set on the idea that America was going to the dogs and has been for the past 40 years or so. But we had no idea that hell would enter the picture as quickly as it has.”
Eng claims the statistics are based on the sound adage “what goes around, comes around.”
“The evidence doesn’t lie, even though we were sometimes thrown off by the occasional good deed or a charitable act that gave us hope that perhaps there was, after all, a chance of saving ourselves from a fateful carriage into hell,” said the good doctor.
“Unfortunately, for every good deed encountered, it seems it was met with a dozen or so acts so heinous that even we were amazed at how degraded our society had become.
When asked what ultimately led the doctors to conduct such an unusual study, Dr. Eng said that they were all sitting around a table one day discussing world events when her colleague, Dr. Elizabeth “Bee” Wilder, remarked that her job as a social scientist had become harder and harder lately and that some days she wasn’t quite sure if she was coming or going.
“Since we are all atheists or at the very best, agnostics, we couldn’t very well consider the whole “Second Coming of Christ,” belief system which would have a good majority of the world’s population swept up in a rapture so as to save them from the rest of the wicked humans in existence,” said Dr. Eng.
“This ultimately led us to ditch the ‘coming’ part and focus more on the whole ‘going’ aspect of humanity. And, well, hell in a handbasket pretty much says it all.”
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