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Lost Journal: New Year’s Resolutions for 1993

Dec 232013
 
 By , December 23, 2013

Journal entry: January 1, 1993 (age 23) – New Year’s Resolutions, 1993

As a young man in my 20s, I am brimming with idealism and drive.  I will use these gifts to make 1993 the very finest year since 1989.  Here are my New Year’s resolutions.

  • Move out of my parents’ house again, with plans to move back in within a year.
  • Re-open the dormant Orange Julius kiosk in Johnson City’s Oakdale Mall, sparking a race to unseat the Mall of America in Minneapolis as the largest shopping mall in the country.
  • Sign up for the long-delayed universal health care ID card.
  • Launch write-in campaign to cushion the news of the cancellation of TV’s Saved by the Bell with a spin-off called Teenage Mutant Lisa Turtle, starring underrated beauty Lark Voorhies.
  • Dig in for a long fact-finding mission to determine if Whitney Houston is serious when she sings that she (ee-ee) will always love her bodyguard, Kevin Costner.
  • Adopt grunting technique from tennis great Monica Seles; use it whenever I put on or remove a jacket.
  • Convince the British delegation to the United Nations that it was a grave mistake to allow Mauritius to become a republic, while remaining in the Commonwealth of Nations.  It illuminated the first fissure in the Empire.
  • Marry CNN Headline News anchor Lynne Russell.
  • Give in to the inescapable tide of fashion and start wearing all of my pants and shirts backwards like Kris Kross.  (Note:  This does not apply to fluorescent, tiger-striped pants such as those favored by Joey Buttafuoco, which do not have a front or back.)
  • Petition President-elect Bill Clinton to continue his predecessor’s policy of regurgitating in the laps of foreign dignitaries.  Urge him to use the “bully vomit” to confront domestic adversaries as well.
  • Write to Carson Daly, a theology student at Loyola Marymount University, and totally request that he heed the call of the Lord and avoid a career in broadcasting.
  • In Seattle, publicly launch my new fragrance, Teen Spirit.
  • Send begrudging congratulations to Nobel Laureate Rudolph Marcus for beating me to the punch with his mathematical analysis of how the overall energy in a system of interacting molecules changes and induces an electron to jump from one molecule to another.
  • Brace myself for continued inability to secure an interview for the position of assistant stock boy at the Gap.
  • Pioneer use of fledgling “Internet” technology as a means to send chain letters in a new and exciting way.

By pursuing these goals with the kind of stick-to-itiveness shown by people who stick to lots of things, I hope to help usher in a new age of ’90s-style harmony and understanding.  I also hope to finish reading Barry Williams’ memoir Growing Up Brady.

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Buy your copy of "Lost Journal - the Book" at www.timmollen.com. Each Lost Journal column is a journal entry written in retrospect. In other words, Mollen chooses a different day from his past, and writes about it as though it were today. The date may be last week, Halloween 1980, or the day he was born (May 4, 1969). Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you he says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.” Mollen is a nationally syndicated columnist and actor, and he is available as a speaker on writing and humor.
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