[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Young Jihadist Jasheed blows himself up, gets to heaven
The Gates to Glory opened wide to accept young Jasheed as he entered the Jihadist Heaven he worked so hard to achieve.
His trainers had always indoctrinated him on the wonders that would await him there were he to prove himself to be a true fundamentalist patriot. Now, his mission completed and multiple bodies torn apart by his suicide bomb including his own, he had now come to get his just rewards.
“Welcome Brother!” the older man greeted him. “I am happy to see you arriving. I am Mahkmed who will be your guide.”
“Allah Akbar!” smiled Jasheed back to him.
“Let me show you around,” said the man, sweeping his hand before them to show the way.”What treasure would you first like to see?”
Jasheed had long known what would be his first delight when he got to Taliban heaven. “I wish to see my virgins!”
The guide frowned a bit, but quickly recovered himself. “Ah yes, the virgins. It seems that is the main thought upon the minds of most of the young men who come to us. Well, let us see what we can do.”
They veered off the path to a gated palace that lay close by.
Jasheeds host opened a glittering door and ushered the young man in. Within, he saw many former Jihadists milling about with burka clad females walking the traditional three paces behind him. Jasheeds heart quivered at the thought of his receiving the 72 virgins the mullahs had promised all recruits to the Great Cause.
“Unfortunately, so many of our young men have come to us wanting their virgin rewards above all other things, there is a bit of a shortage.”
“What?” Exclaimed Jasheed astonished. “But these have been promised to me! For this alone I blew my body and that of others to atoms! I surely deserve something for that!”
“Don’t worry my brother, you shall. You shall indeed get your 72 virgins! Follow me here.” He opened a side door that gave entrance to a huge, dazzling ballroom.
The entire room was full of men who looked up expectantly when they entered.
The guide spoke curtly and directly, “Unfortunately we have run out of female virgins, but you can feel free to take 72 male virgins. They are all other Jihadists who blew themselves up, having never known the glory of a female consort. Sorry, that is all we have left. Have fun!”
Jasheed fell to his knees gnashing his teeth. “Allah, how could you do this to me?!!!!”
Mahkmed was quick to comfort him. “Ah, don’t worry Jasheed! It is not a sin! Remember, we decide what is a grievance against Allah and what isn’t!”
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