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Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/18/14

Feb 182014
 By , February 18, 2014

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.  And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:  barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.  So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ripping the HeadlinesJenner Goes Braless

Thankfully that was Kendall not Bruce.

A staggering number of Americans aren’t aware Earth revolves around the Sun

Or, as Republicans call them ‘our base.’

Miley Cyrus kicks off Bangerz Tour in Canada

Hey, Canada, take that for sending us the Biebs.

NFL prospect Michael Sam says he’s gay

He did say he looks forward to playing in the NFL even if wearing shoulder pads looks so eighties.

It’s the Chinese “Year of the Horse”

While in Washington DC it remains the year of the Horse’s Ass.

Facebook turned 10

Meaning it is now too old for Woody Allen.

Hospital exposes 20 to fatal brain disease

See, that’s what happens when all the TV’s are set to FOX News.

50 years ago the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show

Or, as Pete Best said back in Liverpool, “Where’d everybody go?”

Fox News objects to Obama calling climate change a fact

To be fair, FOX News objects to Obama being President called a fact.

Sinkhole opens up at National Corvette Museum, swallows cars

Bringing new meaning to the term, “Gas Guzzle.”

479,549 customers without power in Southeast; 3,339 flights canceled; cars clog icy roads

Chris Christie swears he has an alibi.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written and/or Produced for shows on FUSE, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO, XM/Sirius and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc., Hobo Pancakes and Humor Times. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)

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  • Frenchie McFarlane

    Tres, tres, funnee, Mons. “Landeur”!! Inspecteur Dreyfuss, Cato & “Chief Inspecteur” Clousseau weel be checkeeng out your “doog” to see eef eet “bites”….Does your “doog” bite, Mons. “Landeur”?

  • sam the ham

    good stuff