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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Cleveland Browns Suggest “Personal Best Bowl” Once in a While

Feb 202014
 By , February 20, 2014

Personal Best Bowl could be good for morale

In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam discussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about a proposal to restructure the league’s reward system.

Cleveland Browns Suggest Personal Best BowlMr. Haslam felt that the NFL too often reflects the negative aspects of competitive capitalism in that the rich teams are usually rewarded simply for being rich while the poor teams tend to languish in their poverty.

So, instead of opting for Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested an American alternative: straight up charity.

He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the celebration of mediocrity and the love for the underdog.

“It’ll be like attending your sister’s 5th grade graduation,” an anonymous fan was quoted as saying.  “It’s not ideal but, hey, this is Cleveland.”

This isn’t the first time we’ve heard from the Bad News Browns’ front office on this issue.  Here are some other bowls they’ve suggested over the years:

“Happy to be Here Bowl”

“Pretty Good Bowl”

“You’ve Been Rebuilding for Half a Century Bowl”

“Kumbaya Bowl”

“Anybody but the Freaking Patriots Bowl”

Although we’ve yet to see any movement or signs from the commissioner, it’s time for something good to happen to Cleveland.

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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