[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Congress members’ scruples could be anywhere by now,” says transponder expert.
A worldwide search has been launched for the missing consciences of hundreds of U.S. congresspersons, after reports that they’ve gone missing.
“Normally, we can track the existence of representatives’ consciences by looking at their voting transponder records, but they make no sense at all now,” said Stanford political science professor Adam Bonica.
“It’s possible they’ve been hijacked by dark money forces that have other plans for them.”
The entire nation has been adrift since the disappearance, causing speculation that it may never be recovered.
“It’s possible we’ll never get any semblance of the country we once knew back. Along with the representatives that are charged with steering its path, it’s gone rogue,” said Bonica.
At first, experts assumed the collective Congressional conscience had been ditched in the Potomac, but signals from transponder devices implanted in sacks of money given for favors indicates that they may be all the way to China by now.
“We hesitate to speculate that China has any involvement in this, but they do own most of America’s debt,” said Lt. David Levy, a spokesman for the U.S. Navy’s Seventh Fleet, who are tracking the missing members. “They have an incentive to own its conscience as well.”
As many as 434 House members’ consciences may be missing. All but one of the 435 total House members got more money for their campaigns from big donors than small donors. Alan Grayson of Florida had the only House campaign last year that was successfully financed by mostly small contributions.
“Money in politics is an infectious cancer across our democracy,” says a spokesman for the Center for Responsive Politics. “In other words, blow hints of big bucks in an elected official’s ear, and they’ll follow you anywhere.”
U.S. officials investigating the disappearance say that no clues yet point to terrorism, although that hasn’t been ruled out. But they are beginning to suspect that the House may have been diverted “with the intention of using it later for another purpose.”
One theory holds that it was commandeered by certain dark money kingpins, such as the Koch brothers, for use in fashioning laws that help the rich get richer.
“Certainly there is evidence that if that’s their plan, it is succeeding,” said professor Bonica.
For its part, China has vehemently denied any involvement, issuing a statement that read, “We already own you jaggoffs, why should we do anything that stupid?”
“Besides, our intelligence shows you should be looking much closer to home,” it said. “You will likely find your congress members’ scruples nearby, in the pockets of their rich donors.”
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