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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Scientists: Newton and Galileo Were Psychotic — Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

Apr 012014
 By , April 1, 2014

“I’m no Einstein, but I know wacko when I see it,” says scientist of Einstein, Newton and Galileo.

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei.

Einstein, Newton and Galileo Were Psychotic say scientists.The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to deal with the troubling implications of such men and women devoted to science and equally devoted to the notion of a Creator.

“After much deliberation,” the letter begins, “and in the spirit of the age, we feel it necessary to reevaluate our view of “scientists” such as Isaac Newton, Max Planck, (probably Einstein), Galileo, Sir Francis Bacon, Copernicus, etc. etc.  Furthermore, we feel intellectually compelled to call men and women who hold onto delusions as being, themselves, completely and utterly deluded.”  The contributing psychiatrists added, “It would seem that schizophrenia, or even DID, to be the best explanation for these lives of glaring contradiction.”

In the letter, the scientists allude both to those who influenced them as well as those whom they would like to influence, saying, “Thanks to brave men like Richard Dawkins we now see how preposterous it is to postulate that something with design (i.e. the universe), might be the result of a designer.  Honestly, do we want our children looking at houses and making the illogical assumption that they didn’t build themselves?”

In summation, the scientific body makes their appeal to the world, to academia, and to common sense, and writes, “It is intellectually unsound to give the impression that these men and women who displayed uncanny intelligence in their fields of science and mathematics used that same intelligence to form their opinions about God.  Because that’s just silly.”

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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