[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
People may kill people, but guns help, turns out
According to the American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, a recent study revealed that, of all crimes committed in the United States with a firearm, 100% of those crimes had guns involved.
This new evidence, though inconclusive about the factors that lead to violence, clearly shows that firearms have a role in crimes related to firearms.
“We’re relieved, actually,” said one relieved chief of police. “We now have indisputable proof that shows the tens of thousands of people killed every year by bullets were shot by an actual weapon. We’re happy to know some sicko isn’t out there digging holes in people’s chests and planting bullets inside their bodies, because that would be disturbing.”
Though the reaction over the data has been varied due to variables in the data, and some are even calling the results into question with questions, most agree that this information is the kind of information that’s of the most informative kind and is sure to be useful if used.
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