Ripping the Headlines Today: Christmas Eve Edition!

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

North Korean Internet shut down

It seems someone cut the string between the two tin cans.

Pet Smart purchased for 8.3 Billion dollars

In doggie dollars that’s 58.1 billion dollars.

John Kerry: ‘I look forward to being the first Secretary of State in 60 years to visit Cuba’

Really, John? Then why the long face?

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant revealed on ‘Kourtney and Khloe Take the Hamptons’

Proving Kardashians don’t have babies, they have spinoffs.

Legendary Rocker, Joe Cocker, passed away at 70

Rudy Giuliani blames Obama…

Obama, Castro and Pope Francis kept US/Cuban talks secret for 18 months

Good job, whoever decided not to tell Scott Rudin and Amy Pascal at Sony.

Kathy Lee Gifford says Bill Cosby once tried to kiss her

That must have been the time he slipped himself a roofie.

The Navy’s new robot looks and swims just like a shark

Still no word on which lawyer they used as the actual model.

Ringo Starr joins Rock Hall of Fame

The first ten seconds of his speech should be given by Pete Best.

Dick Cheney: ‘George W Bush approved all the torture methods’

But, enough about their sex life.

Sexy Russian spy ‘tried to seduce’ Snowden

Well, at least she picked a guy who clearly can’t keep a secret.

Vivid Entertainment has offered $1 Million for a ‘Mama June & Sugar Bear Sex Tape’

They’re going to sell it as a form of birth control.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)