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Conjugal Forecasting, or: If Marital Events Were Reported Like the Stock Market

Sep 082015
 
 By , September 8, 2015
Conjugal Forecasting, or: If Marital Events Were Reported Like the Stock Market

Wouldn’t it be nice if marital life could be summarized as neatly as financial news?

It’s always amused me that financial reporters write as if all economic behavior can be reduced to a haiku-length recitation of cause and effect. For example, recent headlines include: “Market Advances, Buoyed by Hopeful News from Greece and China” (New York Times); “Stocks Fall Amid Focus on a Rate Increase” (Wall Street Journal); and, following the latest global imbroglio: “Global Markets Bounce Back,” with the lede: “Stocks around the world extended gains as investors looked for signals of how central banks will contend with upheaval in financial markets” (WSJ).

Wouldn’t it be nice if other real-world events could be summarized so neatly… for example, the ups and downs of marital life? Here’s what various couple’s wedded bliss might look like in financial headline/lede form.

Stan’s Hope for Early Morning Sex Dashed by Overnight Flatulence. Wife claims she warned him to go easy on the baba ghanoush.

Sylvia Angry After Walter Buys Spring Mix When He Knows She Prefers Arugula. ‘It’s like, it’s like… it’s I’m talking to myself,’ she says, her angry expression softened by the hurt and puzzlement in her eyes.

Older Husband Ecstatic After Learning Urologist Has Free Levitra Samples. Claims this makes his radical prostatectomy ‘almost worth it.’

Harold’s Knowledge Bluff Fails Due to Wife’s Quick Google Search.  ‘No way she knows it was Newcombe, not Spahn, who won the first Cy Young in ‘56 without her iPhone.’ He sighs. ‘Before the Internet I could have convinced her Tom Brady won the Cy Young.’ He adds wistfully: ‘The Internet is not a panacea for everything.’

Wife’s Angry Silence Not Due to Husband Criticizing Her Driving. She claims  it’s his failure to communicate when it’s just the two of them that drives her crazy. ‘Let him criticize my heavy foot or bad sense of direction. Let him describe in bloody detail the latest episode of The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones. Let him explain why you put the quarterback in shotgun formation for the spread offense,’ she says. ‘I don’t care. I’ll take any dialogue, any tidbit of conversation, over his perpetual, dazed, mind-numbing SILENCE.’ Then, cackling madly, she hops her car over the curb, narrowly missing this reporter, and drives off.

Newlywed’s Stock Falls When He Forgets to Use Coupons Wife Gave Him Specifically for This Shopping Trip. John’s third Whole Foods gaffe in two weeks earns him stern reprimand. ‘It’s like, it’s like… it’s I’m talking to myself,’ his young bride Shelly says, her angry expression softened by the hurt and puzzlement in her eyes.

Wife Accepts Husband’s Poker Alibi Despite Lipstick on Collar. ‘I tell him I have my period 3 weeks a month,’ she said in an exclusive Times interview. ‘Fair is fair.’

Wife Claims Husband’s Excessive Snoring Kept Her Awake, Woke Dog and Set Off Fire Alarm. ‘The problem began when our new cleaning people mistook his CPAP machine for a radio,’ she says. ’They changed the settings trying to find a Spanish station. Damn immigrants. I should probably contact Donald Trump.’

Veteran Wife Claims Fainting Not Caused by Husband Giving Her Flowers. After waking up, she explains that it was his giving her flowers that she hadn’t requested or even strongly hinted at that caused her to lose consciousness and asks what he expects in return. Husband denies ulterior motive, but refuses to offer explanation. The FBI is investigating whether this may presage insider trading.

Couple Overjoyed Upon Learning They Needn’t Sit in Outdoor Tub To Use Cialis. ‘Those folks in the commercials must live someplace warm, like Mexico,’ says oldster Harold Bundersnort. “I hear a lot of Americans are settling in Mexico,’ he added, ‘maybe so they can have sex in outdoor bathtubs. I think the cost of living is lower, too.’

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.
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