[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘You’re Ugly!’ Insults Break Out Among Rival GOP Candidates

GOP Candidates vie to top each other’s insults after Trump successfully mocks Fiorina

WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump says he was only talking about Carly Fiorina’s “persona” — not her looks — when he suggested that shuddering Republicans couldn’t possibly vote for “that horsey, arrogant, self-satisfied anorgasmic face.”

GOP CandidatesIn a new interview in Rolling Stone released late Wednesday, the front-runner among GOP candidates said of his rival for the nomination, and only female Republican running, “Look at that face!”

“Would anyone vote for that?” Trump asked incredulously. “Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?! I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not s’posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”*

Asked to comment, Fiorina fired back: “Well, I think that orange-furred dick looks like a fucking orangutan, and if you want another opinion, ask Bill Maher!”

Fiorina went on: “So how’d you like your president to look like Chewbacca, and sound like him too?” She mimicked a credible “Chewie grunt,” albeit in the upper registers.

“And so far as I know,” Fiorina said, “the hairy ape hasn’t yet produced his birth certificate proving his father wasn’t an orangutan. And then he quietly dropped his $5 million law suit against Maher, which says it all, doesn’t it?”

Other GOP candidates were quick to leap onto the latest media band wagon.

“Let’s face it, Kim Davis is as ugly as sin, maybe even uglier,” said Mike Huckabee about the Kentucky bigot who refuses to license gay marriages. “How she got married even once, never mind four times, is beyond me. Frankly, she looks just like Dick Cheney with hair, did you see that meme?”

“But sometimes,” Huckabee added, placing his arm around Davis’s pudgy shoulders as they posed for pictures, “you gotta close your eyes and think of England, or in my case, donations. Israel didn’t go so well.”

Dr Ben Carson said that in his medical opinion Bobby Jindal was by far the ugliest of the GOP candidates in the entire field.

“As someone who has carried out fetal tissue research,” he said, “Jindal resembles a fried green jalapeno pepper slowly atrophying in the Louisiana sun.”

Carson added: “Piyush should go back to Kenya with his friend Obama and apply for immigrant status like everybody else. Except me. I’m exempt because of the truly great time my family had under slavery.”

Almost-forgotten candidate Lindsey Graham jumped desperately into the fray. “Well, I think Ted Cruz looks like a great fat pig who can’t believe he’s actually headed for the slaughter house,” he sneered. “Especially since Teddy just fried some bacon on his AR-Phallus.”

“Yeah, well Princess Lindsey looks and sounds like a failed extra for Gone with the Wind,” Cruz shot back. “And I don’t mean one of the men.”

All GOP candidates, however, were united in a single condemnation. They universally hate Jeb(!) Bush.

“That sucker looks and sounds enough like his former brother and father,” they all said, “to scare the living bejaysus out of everybody, even Sheldon Adelson. “Read our lips: No More Bushes.”

* Actual quote. — Ed.

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Michael Egan
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.