[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Exclusive: Putin – Assad transcript!
The famous expose website Wakileaks (yes, that is spelled correctly) has successfully tapped into a most intriguing phone call between the two most-beloved dictators in the world — Bashar al-Assad and his Grace Vladimir Putin of Russia. We have the transcript here just as it was translated from the phone tap:
Putin: Hello my old buddy Bashar! How are you doing?
Assad: Ah, Putin! My best friend, my ally, my colleague, the guy who saves my butt! How are you yourself?
Putin: Oh, quite good, old chum. A few miscreant Chechens here and there, but nothing like what you are having to put up with.
Assad: Yes, truly. But there are still a lot of loyal soldiers between me and my miscreants. I have so many who would fight and die for me that even if half of them were to be killed their dead bodies would still make a wall high enough to keep the rebels… er, ‘terrorists’ out!
Putin: Yes, Bashir, you must be careful to use the right terminology these days. Be sure to call them ‘terrorists’ so that we keep the Westerners on our side.
Assad: I bow to your wisdom, Czar Putin! It is your genius that is tearing apart my enemies both in Syria and in the rest of the western world as well. Your latest ploy, to let the rebel Syrian men and families flee through Russia to Norway couldn’t be better! They escape into the one northern land that is not European Union, take seed amongst one of the smallest populated countries in Europe and suddenly we have a force of people to draw upon in one of the richest countries in the world! Brilliant!
Putin: Yes! And the fool westerners do not even question why they do not simply ask for asylum in Russia. As though we would want them. Of course I would have my loyal Cossacks to deal with those who want to settle here just as they dealt with the Jews that we used to have a problem with. Now they are all in Israel or in a cold, unattended, anonymous grave!
Assad: It will be so great when we can begin siphoning some of that abundant oil money they have in Norway to our own causes back here at home. And the rest of the immigrants fleeing to Europe will tear the EU apart better than any atom bomb. Already they are re-erecting the borders that they so proudly tore down back in the ’90’s!
Putin: Indeed! Not to mention draining the economy of those who are having to deal with them. But that is not all. Already the covert plants we put into France have already begun to sow destruction in Paris. Soon Europe will be so Muslimized that it will be like a reverse Crusade! I will remind them of the power of the Soviet bear! This is their fate for the sanctions they levied upon us for taking Crimea! Anything that Russia seizes in its paws shall remain Russian forever and ever!
Assad: Um… speaking of which, Vladimir… do you intend on returning to me those parts of Syria that your planes and your ground troops have taken over fighting the rebels?
Putin: Ahhhh… yes… of course I do! Whatever would make you think that? I mean… we are comrades! We cannot betray each other.
Assad (sounding somewhat doubtful): Hmmmm… I remember that famous photo of Russian President Brezhnev giving the East German President Honecker a kiss right before pawning him and all the other Eastern European communist satellites out to the West.
Putin (trying to sound reassuring): Oh, come now Bashar! Do you really think I would betray you like a Jewish Judas?
Assad (speaking levelly): Just in case I mined the Syrian harbor we allow your naval vessels to use.
Putin: Oh… OK… guess I better get back to work killing those rebels…
Assad: Might not be a bad idea. Bye.
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