[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Chemical Castration May Await Sandusky at Sentencing

An emergency sentencing guideline, dealing with punishment for child predators, is being pushed through the Pennsylvania Commission on Sentencing (PCS) today. It could allow the Judge in the Sandusky trial to sentence him to chemical castration, should he be convicted on charges of child sexual assault.

Chemical Castration May Await Sandusky at SentencingIn a rare move, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has indicated that, although they believe chemical castration is, in most cases, considered cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment to the US Constitution, in Sandusky’s case, they would step back and allow the Commission to give the Judge the authority to order chemical castration at Sandusky’s sentencing hearing.

In fact, not one person who has knowledge of this special sentencing guideline — from the attorneys who are crafting it, to the officials in charge of maintaining Pennsylvania’s state sentencing guidelines — have any objections to seeing the law passed on an emergency basis.

If all goes according to plan, “Sandusky’s Sentence” will be ready to be handed down as soon as the jury convicts the ex-football coach of the crimes he is alleged to have committed, and it will be a model sentence for any other predators who are awaiting trial on similar charges.

A companion recommendation that Sandusky not be allowed to shower for the rest of his life was struck down, however, for being cruel and unusual punishment — not for Sandusky, but for his fellow inmates.

In related news, the Roman Catholic Diocese in Harrisburg, PA is seriously considering getting behind this latest sentencing guideline as it would save them millions of dollars in hush money over the long haul.