[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Republicans Object to Obama Immigration Move as Blatantly Helping His Re-Election Chances

Making popular decisions in an election year gives him an unfair advantage, they charge

Republican leaders in Congress today denounced President Obama’s move to change immigration policy as “anti-American,” “blatantly political,” “uncharacteristically uncompromising.”

Obama on immigration

“Where’s the guy we used to know and love?” asked Speaker of the House John Boehner, a tear welling up in his eye. “He would’ve never done this before without first caving in to tax cuts for the rich — and then he would have scrapped the plan altogether.”

Mitt Romney, presumptive GOP presidential nominee, also had strong words for Obama, saying, “We have to find a long-term solution, but the president’s action makes reaching the solution of getting him out of office that much more difficult.”

“Red, white and blue Americans – well, white ones from red states, anyway – object to this,” he said. “And it makes them blue.”

For his part, the president had to start defending his move from the moment he announced it, as a reporter at the Rose Garden press conference heckled him during his speech.

“It’s not question and answer time, sir,” the president responded forcefully, “that will come after nap time.”

However, the reporter, Neil Munro of the Daily Caller website, kept shouting at the president. Eventually, the Secret Service had to drag him away.

It was later learned that the agents had taken him to their back office, where they keep the prostitutes. “He’s feeling fine,” reported one agent who returned to the garden, “we gave him Julie, and there’s no way he’ll be leaving that scene for a while.”

Rep. Eric Cantor accused Obama of playing politics with an issue that “should be left to Congress to delay as long as possible, as is our custom.”

“It’s obvious the president is just trying to get stuff done that the majority of Americans agree with – and that’s the worst kind of politicking,” said the House Majority Leader. “It’s a cheap bid for votes – in an election year, no less!”

“He’s trying to do our job. We’ll pass the Dream Act someday – meanwhile, he can just dream about it,” Cantor added.

But Florida Republican governor Rick Scott was not worried. “Sure, he might gain a few Hispanic votes from this move, but we’ll just take ’em off the voter rolls, Justice Department be damned. And we’ve designed the purge to take care of other Democrat sympathizers as well. Let them prove they’re really citizens, then they can vote. Next time. Maybe.”

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