Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about an injured sports mascot named after Edgar Allan Poe, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Baltimore Ravens mascot, Poe, carted off field after injury during halftime show
He’s listed as being out one game to coming back ‘nevermore.’
Donald Trump’s Truth Social is reportedly over $1 million behind in its bills already
Or, as dealing with Trump should be known: FPOTUS before he F’s you.
Beyoncé removed an offensive lyric on ‘Renaissance’
…. My question for all the Single Ladies, ‘do I still have to put a ring on it?’
Biden cancels up to $20K in student loans
Justice Kavanaugh ought to be pissed he didn’t have this from his college days, that’s a whole buncha kegs.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith spotted out together for first time since Oscars slap
No word if Will had a bodyguard to protect him from himself.
NY Times: Cannibalism has a time and a place. Some recent books, films and shows suggest that the time is now
Or, as it’s also known, ‘you are who you eat.’
Georgia Senate candidate and former football star Herschel Walker has at least 3 kids he never mentioned
Damn, the dude needed more than just a helmet for protection.
Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria Baldwin expecting her 7th kid
The woman doesn’t have a womb; she has a Gymboree.
Ari Fleischer slams Biden’s student loan handout plan: When you apply for a loan, you pay back your loan
Unless it’s for a casino, a casino, a casino, a casino, a casino, and another casino.
House passes ‘Chips Bill,’ sends to Biden for signature
Look for guacamole Bill to pass along side.
Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul Pelosi pleaded guilty to drunk driving in Napa
It’s actually only Drunk Driving in the Le Drunkun Valley in France, anywhere else it’s a Sparkling Steering Violation.
Kim Kardashian used 232,000 more gallons of water than she’s permitted to, in the middle of a historic drought. Sylvester Stallone went 230,000 gallons over his allowance…
In the gameshow version of ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’
NBC possibly giving up primetime hour
Or, leak you’re giving it to Conan so Leno will want his other old time slot back.
Liz Cheney says Hawley, Cruz ‘made themselves unfit for future office’
… but perfect hunting partners for her old man …