Donald Trump on the Couch: Revealing Need for Love

The ex-president tells of the pain he feels in being persecuted by the media as he tells all to his psychiatrist on the couch.

Following up on Donald Trump’s many interviews with Bob Woodward of the Washington Post, as recorded in the journalist’s new audio book, now we have the former president on the couch telling the psychiatrist in a one-on-one session his most intimate secrets, at least those he chooses to reveal.

trump on the couchHe had to be coerced into lying there on the psychiatrist’s couch. But former President Donald Trump used the opportunity to tell his shrink that nobody, but nobody, in the whole wide world is more persecuted than him.

“I’m only asking to be loved, but it pains me to say not everybody does, okay? So many losers out there, like Crooked Hillary Clinton and sick Liz Cheney and pencil-neck Adam Schiff want me to suffer, but I won’t give them that satisfaction, I’m too good for that, okay?”

Forced by his wife, Melania, to attend couples therapy after she complained about not feeling totally satisfied in the bedroom, Trump’s first private session with the psychiatrist, a Dr. Sigmund Fryed, ended with the therapist thinking he should recommend that the ex-president undergo intensive daily sessions to unpack the man’s pathological lying, extreme hostility, and contradictory feelings of both superiority and inferiority toward the human race. If people didn’t show Trump enough love and recognize what a wonderful person he truly was, he’d get even with the ingrates by calling them names and ridiculing their physical appearance, the doctor told himself, speaking into his dictating machine about his impressions of the patient.

“Memo to self,” the doctor intoned into the recorder, “patient needs constant intensive therapy, patient shows classic signs of a martyr narcissistic complex.”

After listening to Trump complain throughout the session about being crucified by the “fake news liberal media,” not to mention by all the other “never-Trump haters,” the psychiatrist thought about recommending that the ex-president be institutionalized for extreme self-pity and victim mentality. But Fryed held back on telling Trump that diagnosis to his face because the former chief executive might really get hostile and start calling him names too, not to mention there was always the chance he’d also get physical.

As a trained Freudian psychiatrist from the best medical schools in Vienna, the shrink probed into the patient’s childhood for why he seemed so screwed up. He figured it probably had something to do with Trump’s mother not giving him the love every mother should give to their child, but it was his domineering overbearing father with his so-called “tough love” approach that turned the man/child into loony tunes.

“My father was never satisfied with anything I did, even if I was number one in my class,” Trump confessed, even as the doctor figured there went Trump lying again about how smart he was in school.

It was at this point that Trump called Fryed, despite the doctor’s fancy degrees in psychiatry, a quack and that he, a billionaire chief executive of a hugely successful commercial real estate company, was a “certified genius” who should be interrogating this “so-called expert” and not the other way around.

“You think you know more than Donald Trump knows about what makes Donald Trump tick?” barked the ex-president referring to himself in the third person. “Donald Trump is always the smartest person in the room, okay you ignorant slut. Okay?”

It was then as the one-on-one session ended on this high note that Dr. Fryed called in Trump’s wife to elaborate on the couple’s marital problems, with Melania saying the issue with her husband was that he never listened to anybody.

“He control freak. He know-it-all,” said Melania in her heavy native Slovenian language accent, “You cannot get through his thick head that sometime he might be wrong.”

The doctor asked Melania to expand on the difficulties they were having in the bedroom, was her husband impotent? Hearing that accusation, her husband threw a glass of water against the wall, glass shattering everywhere, liquid soiling the carpet. Trump offered a threatening glare and said that the subject of his performance in the bedroom was off limits, none of the doctor’s business, verboten, private, “okay?”

Melania offered a frozen smile and said, “The President, he don’t like pillow talk. He don’t like cuddle. He only talk about all the women he sleep with. Okay?”

Hearing that, Trump unleashed his famous bragging smirk and reminded the doctor that nobody in history had slept with more women than he did. “Like I told Melania already, don’t worry, it’s not news to her–even Wilt Chamberlain, you remember him, the basketball player? He said he slept with 1,000 women. I beat him easily, okay?’ Trump said with obvious relish.

“Yeah, you tell me that 1,000 times,” Melania said, shooting an accusatory look at her husband. “You so smart, why you think we need couples therapy?”

Lying there on the couch, Trump announced, “We done here, doc. I’m the real freaking President of the United States. I don’t have time for this crap. Okay?”

The doctor recommended that the couple return tomorrow or the next day for another session.

Trump offered a sarcastic smile and said, “Oh yeah, sure, in your dreams, you think that, you’re crazy, okay?”

Melania frowned. “He don’t come, we don’t stay marry.”

Getting up to leave, Trump told the doctor, “Don’t listen to her. She just likes to threaten people. She’d never leave me. She likes being around power and money too much. Look who she’s married to–the Commander in Chief of the United States.” And with that, Trump showed Melania out the door, as the psychiatrist sighed into his dictating machine, “Memo to self–doubtful patient ever comes back. But if he does, one question I’d like to ask him: why does he end almost every sentence with okay? End of session. Okay?”

Eric Green