[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Donald Trump Announces That He’s ‘Lord of the Universe’

The self-proclaimed “Lord of the Universe” offers his own “Sermon on the Mount” and preaches revenge on all doubters.

Ex-President Donald Trump has proclaimed that he is God, aka “Lord of the Universe,” and that no living mortal on Earth should doubt that “I’m the chosen one.”

Lord of the Universe
Trump ordained by God, in gold leaf, naturally. Image by IoSonoUnaFotoCamera, flickr.com.

Outfitted in clerical garb with a long red necktie drooping down to his crotch and holding a pastoral staff before his flock of supporters, Trump preached what he called a “Sermon on the Mount” at his Mar-a-Lago mansion to reveal that he was brought to Earth by angels to declare that he was “God Almighty, that there are no other Gods Before Me” and that it is his divine right to be known as the “King of Kings.”

“I’m Lord of the Universe, okay?” Trump said, flashing his famous trademark smirk.

Because he’s God, Trump said the least his inferiors can do to show their gratitude for all he does for the world is to bow down and kiss his behind, figuratively speaking, when they’re in his presence.

“But please don’t go slobbering all over me for Christ’s sake. I don’t like strangers getting near me,” Trump, a germophobic, informed his flock.

Surrounded by Ministers of the Trump Organization, the ex-President said his disciples were passing around plates, baskets, bags, and buckets in the crowd where he was counting on everyone to donate “generously” for his Godly mission to “Make America Great Again.”

Trump claimed attendance at what was billed as a “spiritual revival” numbered about half a million people, although police estimates put the number closer to 3,000, which included a load of undocumented migrants imported by bus to the rally from Texas by that state’s governor Greg Abbott.

“Fives, tens, hundreds, don’t be shy in giving to our righteous cause,” Trump thundered from the pulpit. “The more you give, the better chance you’ll have to go to Heaven and enjoy eternal life.”

Trump said that according to the story his spiritual advisor and man of the cloth, His Eminence, Monsignor Rudy Giuliani told him, he was born in a manger in Queens, New York, surrounded by three “Wise Con Men” who proclaimed that the baby boy was “something unique” and that it was his destiny to one day host a nationally televised show called “The Apprentice.”

Giuliani also proclaimed that, in recognition of his brilliant achievements, such as becoming a billionaire commercial real estate developer, he would build a monument to his greatness called “Trump Tower” that would house his penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park on 5th Avenue. This Tower would serve as world headquarters for manufacturing bottles of what he called “Trump Holy Water,” which he was selling on the market at $22.50 a pop, which, when swallowed whole, would miraculously heal all those in pain of their suffering.

On what took him so long to reveal he was God, Trump said everyone knows he doesn’t like to brag on himself, since that’s so “low class.” But with all the “fake news” offering a negative spin about who he was, “my people told me I should just let the whole world hear the truth.”

One day, as part of his saintly mission on Earth, Trump said he was ordained to be President of the United States, a role that he was supposed to hold for all eternity, but that was before “dirty rotten Democrats, Antifa, Communists, and the U.S. Dept. of Justice” stole the election from him and that He, as King of the Universe, would condemn them to purgatory for such a sacrilegious act.

As Lord of the Universe, Trump has already cast a curse on what he calls “infidels, heretics and pagans” like “Crooked Hillary Clinton, traitor Liz Cheney, pencil-neck creepy Congressman Adam Schiff, Elizabeth Pocahontas Warren, fat slob Rosie O’Donnell, Coco Chow Elaine Chao, Broken Old Crow Mitch McConnell, Nervous Nancy Pelosi, crazy Bernie Sanders, sleepy Joe Biden, and the coward Mike Pence, the Judas who backstabbed me at the U.S. Capitol on January 6.” Also included were other “jackasses” who don’t believe he’s the Second Coming, and as such, will be condemned for the rest of their natural lives to watching those “dumb commercials” on TV by the Geico Car Insurance company featuring “that wacko gecko with that idiotic smile on his face and for some reason talking in a British accent.”

“Not that I have anything against car insurance, per se,” Trump said, “but after you watch that B.S. ad a few times, you really do feel like punching that gecko loser in the mouth to shut him up for good.”

Trump, his voice rising again, said, “I am the epitome of someone who devils have tried to crucify. But since I’m the King of Kings, I know better than anyone you’re supposed to forgive and forget. For sure, I’ll be the last one to ever be accused of holding a grudge.”

To cries from the assembled multitude of “Hallelujah” and “preach to us Your Holiness,” Trump continued, “Yes, I know it’s hard for you all to believe it, but sometimes even I, God, get mad as Hell and can’t take it anymore and wonder what I did to deserve having my election as President be stolen from me by people who are the anti-Christ.”

Trump said that being God is harder than he makes it look, that it’s a cross he has to bear.

“It means suffering for the sins of humankind,” Trump went on, “suffering like nobody has ever suffered before in the history of the world. How do I manage to get by? It’s not easy, God knows, but since I’m the Messiah, I just have to have faith that I’m my personal savior.”

Eric Green