[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Federal Inmate Donald Trump Announces for President

Future News! New federal inmate Donald Trump, boasting he’s the best prisoner ever, announces new run for president.

Presently incarcerated at the Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary in Pennsylvania, now federal inmate Donald Trump has announced his candidacy for President claiming all his fellow felons think he’s the best prisoner they’ve ever met in the big house, not to mention the greatest thing ever created on this planet since the invention of sliced bread.

Federal Inmate Donald Trump
Federal inmate Donald Trump.

The former chief executive is inmate #66666669 at Lewisburg after being convicted and sentenced to 33 years in prison for numerous federal crimes including violating the Espionage Act, conspiring to overthrow the 2020 presidential election, insurance fraud, underreporting property values to reduce tax liability, and most criminal of all, being a terrible liar and blowhard.

Trump called the criminal charges against him a “Democrat/Communist plot” to disparage the Trump family’s “good name, which everybody knows is the best ever.”

In his announcement for president, Trump promised that once he’s reinstalled in the White House his first act in the Oval Office will be to pardon himself, his three adult children, and son-in-law, who as felons themselves occupy jail cells at other federal prisons around the country. Trump said just by thinking about it in his mind he and his children along with Jared Kushner have already been pardoned.

“So now that I’ve pardoned myself, that answers any moron’s stupid question how can I be sentenced to prison and still run for president,” Trump said indignantly. “In fact, being in prison gives me even more reason to run. They can’t treat a genius like me that way so I’ll show them.”

Trump said that once he’s out of the clink, “I’ll be free as a bird to play golf or anything else I feel like doing, like spending all winter at my Mar-a-Lago palace. And once I’m president again, I dare anybody to attempt to take away all the classified top secret documents I keep down there in boxes. Don’t even think about it.”

Referencing the words of wisdom from one of his top advisors, talk show host and noted constitutional scholar Sean Hannity, Trump said that even crimes potentially far more serious than what was alleged against him, like mishandling of classified information, is no bar from running for and being elected to the White House.

Trump told interviewers that being in prison “only makes me stronger” and a better presidential candidate who can relate to the “low class cretins you meet in a place like this.”

Asked how he occupies himself all day in prison, Trump said his fellow inmates love to sit around and chat with him out on the exercise yard on his ideas on Making America Great Again.

“They can’t believe how smart I am, they’ve never met anybody more brilliant,” Trump said modestly. He pointed to his cellmate neighbor, Jake, already in prison for 20 years for running an illegal pyramid scheme “who told me that there’s nobody like me who makes you feel like a con man again, that all it takes is knowing how to be the best BS’er in the world. Jake says I’m even better than Richard Nixon, the so-called master of how to fake sincerity. Now there was a real crook.”

In the afternoons, Trump says he leads a Bible study class, in which he feels like “God” teaching his minions how to con parole authorities into believing that the prisoners have truly asked for forgiveness in owning up to their alleged sins.

“Before I got here, these idiots didn’t know crap about how to fake acting sorry for what they’ve done,” Trump said. “Under my tutelage, they’ll be out of the Joint in no time now that I’m here to show them the way.”

After Bible study, Trump says he gets on the phone with his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, also in federal prison in upstate New York, strategizing how to win reelection for president.

“Rudy may be a drunk and a fool,” Trump noted about the man reputed to enjoy taking a sip or two of the grape, “but he still knows like me that Biden stole the election. When he’s ever sober, he sometimes can even seem halfway sentient. Besides, he sucks up to me, which is the most important thing anyone with half a brain like Lindsey Graham knows is the way I let them play golf with me unless they’re a complete jackass.”

Evenings, Trump revealed that he watches reruns on television of his old show, “The Apprentice” followed by another hour or two watching Fox News–before he turns the channel when even they start putting on what the ex-president decries as “fake news,” like what he says is on the liberal media.

“Once I’m in office, I can’t wait to put those lousy Democrat pedophiles like Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi before a firing squad,” Trump said after which he flashed a satisfied smirk.

Asked whether he ever feels remorse for being thrown in jail for his crimes, Trump replied that it was all a “witch hunt” concocted by the U.S. Justice Department and “Crooked Hillary” who conspired with Liz Cheney to send him to Lewisburg.

“They’re all be wearing prison jumpsuits the minute I get back into the White House,” Trump pledged. “You better believe that’s no lie.”

Eric Green