[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

SCOTUS to Hear Landmark Cases in New Term

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The Supreme Court is set to hear two landmark cases that could change history, including the inalienable right to fart.

The new term of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) will feature at least two landmark cases that could determine the social and legal boundaries of the future.

Supreme Court landmark cases
SCOTUS. Public Domain.

One case before the Court concerns the the “God-given constitutional right” to fart. This is a Texas case in which Uber driver Dolly Parton Pecos sued one of her passengers for 56 million dollars in damages, claiming that his excess farting caused her to pass out and crash her car into a Greyhound bus.

The passenger claims that under the Constitution, he has the inalienable right to fart wherever and whenever he pleases.

The passenger is Grubbe Gooch, an American citizen who is a professional farter in the SNPFL (Slobovian National Professional Farting League). He is a Bloomerback for the Bosphorous Bellybazookas, one of the league’s most successful franchises. Mr. Gooch stands 5 foot 9 inches tall and weighs 357 pounds. He has a a 72-inch waist and a buttocks that measure 50 inches across. In Slobovia, his famous belly is known as “Big Herbie.”

Miss Pecos stated that she picked up Mr. Gooch at the Dallas-Ft.Worth airport and that five minutes into the trip, Mr. Gooch had spewed about 125 highly odoriferous farts. She asked him to stop, but he ignored her. At about fart number 345, she says that she passed out and hit the bus. Her car was totaled and she sustained several injuries.

Miss Pecos is represented by famous Texas lawyer Jesse James “Red River” Jones. Mr.Gooch is represented by O. Denise Scoobydoo from the firm of Graballe, Decash and Scramme.

In another case, the Court will hear a case involving famous rapper Little Murder White, frontman for the hip-hop group Little Murder White and the 7 Thuugggzz. Mr. White was arrested for killing rival rapper Big Bad Wullffee in Roscoe’s House of Waffles in Los Angeles.

In court, White pled not guilty, by reason that in the modern world of hip-hop, murder is permitted as freedom of expression in the constitution. Mr. White will represent himself before the court and will release the proceedings as an audio/video project.

SNN Words to Live By

“Free Speech makes free people.” — Ice T, in a TheFire.org TV ad.

“Always remember Rome wasn’t built like your mother.“ — Hans Conried, Fractured Flickers TV show.

“Who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?” — Chico Marx, 1933 film Duck Soup.

Ted Holland