37th President Interview Richard Nixon - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 37th President, Richard Nixon, via the magic of a hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show through the magic of a hologram, my guest from heaven is the former 37th President of the United States Richard Nixon.

RICHARD NIXON

I am not a crook.

JERRY

Okay. You’re a shnook.

NIXON

Sounds good.

JERRY

Wow, 81 years old. You were a Senator and Congressman from California. Vice President under President Dwight Eisenhower, and President for five years.

NIXON

Yep. President from 1969-1974. I hated Communists, but opened up diplomatic relations with China. In fact, I became friends with the Chinese rapper Vanilla Rice.

JERRY

What about the Soviets? Did they play ball?

NIXON

Absolutely. Haven’t you heard of the baseball team the Reds? They won the World Series. Nobody was gonna kick Dick Nixon around. Chairman Brezhnev and I signed an agreement on the prevention of nuclear war.

JERRY

That ain’t happening now. Vladimir Putin threatens to use nuclear weapons in the Ukraine. The proof is in the Putin.

NIXON

Duncan. I established the Environmental Protection Agency. Had the first manned moon landing. Ended combat in Vietnam.

JERRY

And you ordered a break-in of the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate Office Building. Five burglars were caught.

NIXON

Yeah. I knew something was suspicious when one of them picked up a candy bar and got a dial tone.

JERRY

Congress wanted to impeach you. Presidential Counsel John Dean said it was the worst political scandal of the 20th century. What were you searching for?

NIXON

I’ll confess. It was JFK’s black book. There were hot babes I wanted to date.

JERRY

But you were married to Pat.

NIXON

I had PTSD. Was thinking about having my brain removed, so I thought this could be a good way to relax.

JERRY

Brain or no brain, you resigned in 1974 rather than get impeached. What were your parting words when you left the White House?

NIXON

I’m going to Disneyland!

JERRY

During retirement you wrote nine books and became an ambassador of sorts on foreign policy.

NIXON

I redeemed myself, Duncan. Made it into heaven. The Lord set the bar low in those days.

JERRY

Why do you think Republicans continue to support twice impeached former President Donald Trump?

NIXON

Because they really believe in taking a baby to full term. Peace and love.

JERRY

President Richard Nixon everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.