[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Todd Akin Not Quitting: ‘Voters Would Reject a Legitimate Idiot’

‘I made a mistake in the words I said, but according to a wise man, stupid is as stupid does’ says Akin

WASHINGTON — Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) faced a barrage of criticism from everywhere, even within his own party, after saying in an interview that during rape, women’s bodies can “shut that whole thing down” to avoid pregnancy. He explained that real medical doctors told him so.

todd akin not quitting
Akin: ‘My heart is smarter than my brain.’ Graphic: DonkeyHotey, flickr.

Later, facing media pressure, Akin recanted, saying he misspoke. “The mistake I made was in the words I said, not in the heart I hold,” he said. “Voters would reject a legitimate idiot. But they keep me. That’s because they know that my heart is smarter than my brain.”

“Missouri voters know I’m dumb as a post, but I’ve got a good heart. So I pledge to them here and now that I will follow my heart and stay completely out of my mind from now on,” he added.

Although he faces pressure from GOP leadership to withdraw from his attempt to unseat incumbent Senator Claire McCaskell and let another Republican challenge her, Akin said that is not happening.

In a radio interview, he told host Mike Huckabee that he’ll continue to fight for “the regular people” against “the big party people.”

“Yeah, they’re having a big party because they think I’m toast. But he who laughs last, and all that,” he said.

“What I said wasn’t deceitful, though, it was just dumb. Voters will forgive me — they always reject legitimately stupid comments, and focus on the heart. A real psychologist told me so.”

Huckabee backed him up, saying, “Sometimes good people are conceived in rape. Women need to think about it. Are you gonna abort the next Einstein? Or someone equally brilliant, like Rick Santorum?”

On cue, Rick Santorum called into the show, and added his wisdom on the subject. “Like I said on CNN before, babies from rape are a gift. Yup, rapists are just being generous, delivering presents from God. Hallelujah.”

Getting back to Akin, Huckabee asked him how he planned to proceed.

“This country needs me,” he replied. “There are battles that need to be fought, like keeping Obama from taking away everyone’s guns like he plans.”

“After all, a bullet won’t kill you if you’re right with God. The body will reject it.”

“God Himself told me that one,” he added. Huckabee nodded.

James Israel
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