Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about banning porn sites in Texas, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A new Texas Law requires porn sites to display a health warning that porn impairs human brain development

… And can also cause blindness!

Barron Trump declines invitation to be a delegate at the Republican National Convention

“I’ll take my brother’s place,” says George Santos.

Man says his emotional support alligator, known for its big social media audience, has gone missing

In related news, so has the mailman, two Jehovah’s Witnesses and an Uber Eats delivery guy …

Biden’s threat to halt weapons delivery sparks anger and infighting amongst Israeli officials

If a year ago you thought Rafah was a children’s entertainer, then there’s a good chance you’re no Middle East expert now.

‘Unfrosted’: Jerry Seinfeld’s movie about the fictional history of Pop-Tarts

I can’t be only one who thinks Pop Tarts sounds like a description of the Spice Girls.

Kristi Noem backpedals on anecdote in book about meeting with Kim Jong Un

Him she doesn’t shoot? WTF?

Tom Brady confronted Jeff Ross over Robert Kraft joke at Brady Netflix Roast

The deflated balls on that guy.

Happy 78th Birthday to Tommy Lee Jones

Dude, you don’t look a day over 115.

FBI data shows America is seeing a ‘considerable’ drop in crime. Trump says the opposite.

He does spend a lot of time in front of a mirror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals how he made millions before becoming a movie star — and it wasn’t from bodybuilding

Or, teaching English …

OAN retracts article about Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels

… Sounds like OAN wants to win a Pulitzer … in fiction.

Trooper smashes window of Hooters to steal beer taps, Florida cops say

Would’ve gotten away with it, too, if he didn’t come back for wings.

Ann Coulter condemned after telling Vivek Ramaswamy he never had her vote ‘because you’re an Indian’

… Look for her next book ‘The White Stuff’ …

Amy Winehouse’s childhood friend says the singer would not have been happy with new biopic

She would’ve said ‘no, no, no.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)