“Maggie Confesses” episode — wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his mother Maggie Duncan, live from heaven via hologram.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan live from heaven.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
How can I be live if I’m dead?
JERRY
I’m not going to argue.
MAGGIE
Am I your favorite mother, Jerry?
JERRY
I take the fifth. See this straw? Go suck the fun out of someone else’s day.
MAGGIE
Why am I on the show anyway?
JERRY
You told me you have a secret.
MAGGIE
(nervous) That’s right. Jerry, my son…
JERRY
Your only child.
MAGGIE
Brace yourself.
JERRY
Don’t worry. I have a rope around my neck.
MAGGIE
Jerry…you come from a long line of gypsies.
JERRY
Gypsies?! The last time I was surprised like this was when you left a plunger in an unflushed toilet.
MAGGIE
(apologetic) Like my father and his father, I made a living as a pickpocket and fortune teller in Queens. When your father lost his carry out job at the Piggly Wiggly, he joined me in the family business.
JERRY
You were a fortune teller?
MAGGIE
Yeah. That’s why we could only have one child. Your father had crystal balls.
JERRY
I’m very upset. I want to jump off a cliff like your neighbor Angelo Martinelli.
MAGGIE
Imagine how surprised he must have been. Why would you think such thoughts?
JERRY
Because you could have given me away. Think how different my life could have been. Maybe raised in a Manhattan penthouse with a summer home in the Hamptons. Winter vacations skiing in Vail and Aspen. Wed to a beautiful woman who married me for my money.
MAGGIE
I’m sorry, Jerry. What can I say? You were raised by a couple of thieves. The good thing was we were all in the 4th grade at the same time.
JERRY
My mother the thief.
MAGGIE
Yep.
JERRY
Did anyone get caught?
MAGGIE
Your father. He was arrested for stealing a calendar. Got twelve months. It’s a dangerous profession.
JERRY
C’mon.
MAGGIE
Your grandfather got hit by a motorcycle. It was a hit and run. Thank goodness a police officer came to his aid. He asked him, “Do you remember the license plate?” He replied, “No, but here’s his wallet.”
MAGGIE
I’m ashamed of myself. I once pickpocketed a dwarf.
JERRY
How could you stoop so low?
MAGGIE
(embarrassed) I guess it’s time to go. Say you love me.
JERRY
Like poison.
MAGGIE
Thank you, honey.
JERRY
My mother Maggie Duncan.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
