Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his nagging mother via hologram in heaven.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show the guest is my nagging mother Maggie Duncan from a hologram in heaven.
Make it quick, I’m on lunch hour. We’re planning a surprise party for Laurel and Hardy.
JERRY
What’s the occasion?
MAGGIE
They’re graduating from night school.
JERRY
Graduating? They’re so dumb, they thought Spotify is a stain remover.
MAGGIE
Oh, Jerry. Don’t be judgmental. Stan Laurel put M&M’s in alphabetical order. He’s a pretty smart ignoramus.
JERRY
You know all the scoops. What is the Lord’s plan for the presidential election? Is Trump going to lose?
MAGGIE
I’m not sure. But I overheard him say, “a dump flushed twice is a Trump.” Looking good for Kamala.
JERRY
What’s new with you?
MAGGIE
You won’t believe this. I’m in love with Albert Einstein.
JERRY
C’mon.
MAGGIE
We’re an item.
JERRY
Even worse.
MAGGIE
It’s true. He’s right here.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Was machst du?
JERRY
I want to tell you how much I enjoy your bagels. It’s a well-rounded breakfast.
EINSTEIN
I’m a scientist, not the baker.
JERRY
Thanks for clarifying. Then your brother Frankeinstein is the monster.
EINSTEIN
Ya. It’s sad though. He can’t have kids.
JERRY
Why not?
EINSTEIN
Because his nuts are on his neck.
MAGGIE
Jerry. Albert bought me a beautiful bracelet. He had it engraved especially for me.
JERRY
What does it say?
MAGGIE
Do not resuscitate.
EINSTEIN
Aren’t I a genius?
JERRY
Not quite. You married your first cousin Elsa in Germany.
EINSTEIN
So what? It’s all relative.
MAGGIE
Don’t pick on him. Albert is very popular up here. He’s a DJ.
EINSTEIN
They call me MC Squared. Here’s some rap, bro.
“She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. I’m hot. You ain’t, cuz you not.”
JERRY
Brilliant. Should be in a landfill.
EINSTEIN
Danke.
JERRY
No wonder I’m always depressed. My mother Maggie Duncan and Albert Einstein. See you tomorrow everyone.
EINSTEIN
Happy New Year.
JERRY
It’s the 4th of July.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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