Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about sex with robots, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

REVEALED: Women will be having more sex with ROBOTS than men by 2025

Hey, ladies, you think the men you date now have a screw loose? Just wait!

Marjorie Traitor Greene says the Democrats are now controlling the weather

Well, the storm does identity as a They/Themicane.

8 things that happen when you stop drinking alcohol

Number 1: You have way more free time to smoke marijuana.

Posts misrepresent Federal response, funding for Hurricane Helene victims

In fact, not only is the Biden/Harris Administration sending money, aid, and FEMA supplies to flood victims; but Governor Walz also is making sure their rain gutters are unclogged and tightly fastened.

Happy Birthday, Sharon Osbourne

Or, as Ozzie put it, ‘Hufvjy bidgyhghy’

Trump’s ‘God Bless The USA’ bible was MADE IN CHINA

Even more amazing … it’s in Russian.

Bill Belichick, 72, and girlfriend Jordon Hudson, 24, are all smiles in photos from summer getaway

I’m amazed, amazed he completed any pass without help from Tom Brady.

Black bear found dead on Tennessee highway next to pancakes

For an environmentalist, RFK Jr. sure is a messy eater.

GEICO is terminating insurance coverage of Tesla Cybertrucks, says “This type of vehicle doesn’t meet our underwriting guidelines”

… From Geico to just JustGo!

Trump Media (DJT) closes at 52-week low, plummeting over 10% today alone

If it went down any faster, Michael Cohen would have to pay it $130K to act like it never happened.

Seals caught having sex with penguins

… No wonder penguins walk so funny.

Kanye West accused of investigating Kardashians and having wife Bianca Censori tailed

In fairness, being paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you!

Parents spot kids in 7-Eleven robbery footage, turn them in to Los Angeles police

… That’s what happens when you don’t bring enough home for everyone.

X can resume operations in Brazil after paying fine

… No word if Musk got Mexico to pay for it.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)