Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that Ben Affleck’s kids roast his movies, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Affleck kids roast — Not hard to do: even Ben Affleck’s kids roast his movies.

Ben Affleck reveals that his kids roast his movies

… That he made them sit through Gigli should get Child Protective Services involved.

US added 177,000 in April

… But most of those went to Marco Rubio.

Tony nominations are out

Broadway gets ready for second holiest day on gay calendar … right after Judy Garland’s birthday.

Trump calls his promise to end the Russia-Ukraine war on Day One ‘an exaggeration’

… While his promise to drop food prices was an ‘eggsaggeration.’

Texas mom arrested for allegedly bringing vodka-spiked Jell-O shots to fifth grade school party

… Teaching kids the lesson of what happens when you don’t bring enough for everyone.

Rapper Sean Combs rejects deal prior to jury selection

… Too bad, if only, because it would’ve made him Plea Diddy.

JJ Redick walks out of news conference after reporter questions Lakers’ lack of Game 4 substitutions

Ironically, the Lakers had no one step in to replace him.

Instant ramen noodles increase risk of illnesses such as cancer, diabetes. and heart disease

Well, you certainly get your money’s worth.

Tesla’s profits have crashed 71%

… Not surprising, it’s being run on autopilot.

Woman finds Nazi symbol etched in sandwich bun

She realized it when the bun overran her French fries.

Man dies while posing for a photo at Machu Picchu

The cause of death was listed as selfie-inflicted.

Happy 92nd birthday Willie Nelson

What do you get the guy who has smoked everything?

Could the $10 weightlifting supplement creatine be a depression treatment?

Well, it will be easier to literally lift a weight off your shoulders.

National Security Advisor Mike Waltz exiting White House

… Hmmm, if only there had been a Signal …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)