Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the directorial debut of ScarJo at Cannes, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

ScarJo directorial debut leaves Cannes theater weeping

… As opposed to “Home Alone 3,” which left audiences sleeping.

N.J. bar cancels Springsteen cover band over Bruce’s anti-Trump comments

Word is, they plan to replace him with a cover band known as Cancel Culture Club.

Stunning photos show the ancient tradition of honey hunting in Nepal

Now, most Nepalis use Tinder to find a honey.

Hawaii’s once-vivid coral reefs are “all bleached white”

On the upside, they’re one Fox News mention from being in the Trump Cabinet.

Volkswagen recalls 47,000 Jettas

Or, as it’s also known, ‘The Return of the Jetta.’

Trump escalating US military engagements worldwide

But, don’t rest easy, he hasn’t forgotten about you, Walmart!

Pete Davidson says attention to his high-profile relationships made him feel ‘small’

… Not according to the women he’s dated.

Scientists may have found a way to simplify gravity

And, also, death by natural causes … from falling out of skyscraper windows in Moscow.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs tried to ambush Suge Knight with guns, his ex Cassie Ventura said in court

… Probably, all that baby oil made it impossible to hold the trigger.

George Wendt, who played Norm on ‘Cheers,’ dies at 76

Somewhere in heaven, the angels called out ‘Geooooorge!’ as he entered the Pearly Gates.

Tiger Woods says he and Vanessa Trump ‘look forward to their journey through life together’

Too bad Pete Rose isn’t around to take the under …

Man planned to kill romantic rival, feed body to pigs

That’s like an episode of ‘CSI: Green Acres.’

Jenna Bush Hager reacts to Bill Belichick’s girlfriend placing third at Miss Maine Pageant

Jenna: ‘Should’ve tried the Supreme Court for a recount. It worked for my dad.’

Police say a man who stripped naked on a Disneyland ride was on drugs

It ironically sounds like he slipped himself a Mickey.

Giving Trump $400MM Boeing jet was his team’s idea not Qatar’s, report claims

… No word if, when parked, it has to face Mecca …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)