Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Coco Gauff taking the first French Open title, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Coco Gauff defeats top-ranked Aryna Sabalenka in 3 sets to win her first French Open title

Congrats to the new French Open reigning champ! I, for one, am cuckoo for Coco Gauff!

Couple makes meth at library: Cops

Now, we’re talking literally cooking the books.

Some clownfish are shrinking, according to new study

… Or, maybe they’re just wearing bigger exploding shoes and only seem smaller.

Trump top aide Stephen Miller tweets through his feelings as wife leaves with Musk

Can’t wait to see Elon in a t-shirt that’s says: ‘I Spent $250M on Trump’s Election, and All I Got Was This Stupid T-shirt and Stephen Miller’s Wife.’

Psychologists say something scary happens when you’re unemployed for a while

You’re unable to afford your psychologist.

Disney to lay off several hundred employees globally.

Look for ‘Snow White and the Five Dwarfs’ rides.

Gay rights icon Harvey Milk’s legacy slighted by decision to rename Navy’s ship

… Not saying Pete Hegseth is homophobic, but people are saying he’s going to ban the military from serving rainbow trout.

Happy 69th birthday, Kenny G

At 69, you can officially use the name ‘Kenny G Spot.’

Dakota Johnson uses tissue to cover cleavage amid wardrobe malfunction

The segment was one sneeze away from being sponsored by KleeneXXX.

Shohei Ohtani is on pace to finish the year with a career-high in home runs

Shohei Ohtani is Japanese for Babe Ruth.

Trump wants Ukraine to pay Russia back for destroying airplanes

… Or, Putin can just go to Qatar. I hear they have so many airplanes they’re just giving them away.

Ex-flight attendant reportedly caught with 101 pounds of drugs in luggage

I’m stunned, stunned the luggage wound up at the correct airport.

Jake Tapper’s ratings set a 10-year-ratings low on CNN

Look for him to switch channels and have a new show called ‘Fox and Friendless.’

Florida woman found dead with arrows in head

… Steve Martin: ‘Kids, I told you not to try that arrow bit at home.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)