Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Chuck E Cheese employees in mouse costumes doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Chuck E Cheese employee in mouse costume arrested for credit card fraud

Pizza: $15.95
Bread sticks: $8.99
Perp walked while in costume: Priceless.

Tour de France results: Race outlook after Jonathan Milan gets rainy Stage win

… Mostly to remember it ain’t over until the skinny guy pees in a cup.

Happy World Emoji Day

… A day that’s mostly symbolic.

Donald Trump forgets name of Japanese Prime Minister, so he calls him ‘Mr. Japan’

I’m just glad he doesn’t have to talk about Niger.

Man caught in affair at nude beach a suspect in wife’s death

And, you’d think if anyone had nothing to hide, he’d be it.

Cuomo threatens to move to Florida if Mamdani wins

NY says it will build a wall, and Georgia will pay for it.

World’s oldest marathon runner Fauja Singh dies at 114 after being hit by car

Told ya! Too much damn exercise can kill ya!

JD Vance took family to Disneyland

The kids enjoyed ‘Pirates of the Shithole Countries’ and ‘’It’s a Small World; Now, Go Back Where You Came From.’

Tesla opens drive-thru restaurant

I ordered food from an automatic menu at Tesla Diner, and the food immediately backed up on me.

Hulk Hogan gone at 71

People are saying, that with all those steroids, the burial will be at a Superfund site.

Bill Clinton praised Epstein’s ‘childlike curiosity’ in birthday message

… As opposed to his curiosity to like children.

Coldplay trolled as they ignore viral CEO kiss cam moment in post-concert recap

Don’t know why people are so embarrassed … Not like they got caught seeing Nickleback.

A US-made cream cheese spread was just named best in the world

Although, according to DOJ, it isn’t really on any list.

Father who moved family to Russia to escape ‘woke’ America is sent to front line

Oh, Crimea F$%king River …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)