Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a beardless Jason Momoa, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jason Momoa got rid of his beard

… while, rumor has it, Tim Scott married his.

How to make leafy greens tastier

Deep fry them. You’re welcome.

Trump’s comments on Epstein raise new questions about when and why they fell out

Let’s face it, if I drank a shot every time Trump changed his Epstein story, I’d be Secretary of Defense.

1,000 National Guard troops leaving L.A.

… After months of unsuccessfully looking for parking in DTLA.

Whisky recalled in Finland because it had a type of antifreeze in it

So, If you drink too much you’ll need AAA instead of AA.

Happy 79th birthday, Cheech Marin

That’s 553 in Snoop Dogg years!

The internet is losing it over a video of Trump being drowned out by bagpipes in Scotland

The only way to beat someone full of hot air is with an instrument full of hot air.

Speed dating booth set up at Comic Con

That way people who never get laid can find out who they won’t be having sex with even quicker.

Big-rig with 44,000 pounds of Miller High Life beer stolen from truck stop

… Would’ve gotten away with it if they didn’t stop to pee …. 37 times.

Infant bites cobra to death after it coiled around his hands

I believe this is how Ozzie Osbourne started.

NYC subway was disrupted by flash flooding

… As opposed to its usual flood of flashers.

Americans are fixing their teeth in Mexico

So, Instead of a wall they’re building bridges.

Piers Morgan: ‘No wonder’ Stephen Colbert got canceled when most Late-Night hosts are ‘activist hacks’

I’m beyond shocked he didn’t blame Meghan Markle.

Trump fires labor statistics chief after weak jobs report

… Here’s betting he hires that expert on labor, the Octomom.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)