[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Looking at NRA’s Wayne LaPierre as a Child May Explain a Lot

Childhood antics of Wayne LaPierre reveal early clues to character

A recent biography of NRA Fuhrer Wayne LaPierre shines a light on his character, and may reveal why he is so rabid on the topic of guns and their control.

The new book entitled ‘LaPierre – Assault Mouth’, contains the following passages:

NRA's Wayne LaPierre as a Child
LaPierre as a child.

Chapter 2, page 32, describes a shrieking 6 year old Wayne LaPierre running rampant with scissors in his hand. His teacher, Maura Tarala, trying to take it from him, suddenly found she had a miniature Tasmanian Devil on her hands.

“Wayne! Put the scissors down right now before you hurt somebody!”

“No, I don’t have to!”

“Oh, yes you do, little man! I am the teacher!”

“You do not have full Congressional authority to do that! I have my rights!”

“Look here, you little brat. I am the authority here! You will do as I say and put those scissors down!”

“I will not! I don’t recognize your authority!”

Chapter 3, page 43, describes the nightmare that occurred when the young Wayne brought a multiple headed slingshot to the bible study camp-out:

“Wayne LaPierre! What is that thing you got?”

“Sir, it is a legal device that I have the right to have in my possession!”

“Legal hell! That damn thing will put somebodies eye out! Give that over here!”

“No way, Jose! This is my personal assault weapon in case I get attack by a goon squad of jack booted thugs or foreign invaders who want to take over America.”

“You damn idiot! Give me that stupid thing before we have a real bloodbath on our hands.”

“Uh, uh! I am allowed by the law of the United States of America to keep an assault weapon in my possession. That falls under the Second Amendment of the Constitution – The Right To Bear Arms.”

“In about two seconds I am gonna bare my arms and give you the worst tanning of yer life! Now give it here!”

Chapter 4, page 58 tells of a teenage Wayne LaPierre bringing a curved Turkish knife to class to impress the other students.

“LaPierre, would you bring that knife up here right this minute!”

“No, I don’t have to!”

“Young man, you will do what I say!”

“No, I won’t! I have followers who believe in the rights of Americans to carry knives!”

“I am afraid you aren’t quite old enough to be telling your teacher what you will and will not do!”

“I have lawyers who say I can!”

“Your lawyers aren’t here now, so give it over!”

“You have to get through all the members of my club first, bitch!”

A later chapter mentioned something about his being a serial killer in Memphis Tennessee in the 1980’s, but the NRA successfully had it deleted under the Constitutional Rights of the 8th Amendment, which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment (we think this means the embarrassment it would have caused him).

That is the first and last time the NRA has ever mentioned any other Amendment than the second. Please note, however, that what they did did totally overlook the 1st which concerns the Right of Free Speech and it doesn’t seem to bother them.

Another theory of why Wayne LaPierre is so vehement is that he was bitten by a rabid bat as a child.

Roger Freed