Ahhh! Poor Widdle Football Players Hurt Their Widdle Heads and Want to Sue

Poor NFL players got widdle concussions and want to sue their sugar daddies … WUSSIES!!!

Former professional football players have just announced that they are seeking millions of dollars in damages due to injuries that have resulted from head concussions that have occurred from playing the game. The NFL stands to pay out 765 MILLION (!) for medical costs to ALL players claiming to still suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). The lawyers say that this staggering sum is just a drop in the bucket to the NFL (what a surprise that lawyers would see it this way!).

Nfl concussions
Photo by Carrie Eberhardt, flickr.com.

What this means is that is is the chance for all of us who were never athletically inclined, never had the chance to learn football, were always tormented by jocks in high school, didn’t have the physical ability for sports, or were socially condemned to being social lessers in the social structures of high school, now have our chance to give the big boys some of their own abuse back.

Did you suffer from wedgies, Dutch rubs, insults, putdowns, punches, neck locks etc. from the Oh-So-Holy jocks in your community? Did the school administration teachers and other students actually support or turn a blind eye to this sort of behavior?

If so, then here is our chance to turn the tables and rub their noses in their own excrement for a change.

Let’s let them have it! We have waited for this so long and they deserve it so much. Here we go:



Aren’t you supposed to be the tough guys who can do anything? Now you’re crying because your brain don’t work right any more! Since when did you ever use that part of your anatomy anyway?

Weren’t you the guys who always said to shut up and not to whine? Why, this whole concussions law suit sounds like a continuous whine siren! Why are you babies all howling for your pacifiers? Weren’t you the ones living it up in your glory days and enjoying the best of everything; the money, the women, the fast cars, the gift wrapped cocaine? Now you expect everyone else to pay for your broken down carcass? Weren’t you guys the first ones to yell about individualism and do-it-yourselfism? Now you are like those guys waiting at stop lights with signs saying you are homeless and can you spare a buck.

Do you think I would give you a buck? Sure I would! A buck in the rear knocking you into the gutter!

What happened to all that money you made when your guys were the top Alpha Males of the whole country? Spent it all on steroids, do-anything anywhere prostitutes and booze bashes? Don’t have a dime of it left? Ahhh, poor babies! We’re still schmucks who couldn’t kick a field goal if we were offered a free night with Sophia Vergara, but at least we still got thinking mechanisms that function. And we ain’t cryin’ to our sugar daddy cause we fell and hurt our knee. Or that we have a hurt brain and need some of Daddy’s money to fix it!

So, go on your merry ways and go back to whatever maid diddling or bar hopping you guys do in your retirement (who else gets to retire at 35?). You are getting the NFL to play the patsy and you are cleaning them out for $765 million and getting away with it. You yourselves know half the guys are making concussions claims are faking it. Attorneys in every pro bowl city are swimming in circles salivating at this. Did you all hire your lawyers from those that have their ads on daytime TV saying they’ll help you hook and land a rich SOB, clean him out and gut him for all you can? I thought so!

There. That was enough for now.

Don’t you all feel better now? I sure do!

Roger Freed