[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Humor Sites Rush to Hire North Korean Who Reported on Jong Un’s Uncle’s Execution

Writer of stories in North Korean press on Jong Un’s uncle seen as satirical genius

Humor sites are viciously striving to beat all the other spoof news websites who are fighting tooth and nail to hire the writer who wrote the fiery rhetoric slamming North Korea’s President’s Jong Un’s uncle on the country’s national news. The former second in lead in the notoriously repressive 4th world state, Jang Song Thaek, was dramatically stripped of his positions by his nephew Jong Un and executed a day later.

Kim Jong Un's uncle Jang Song Thaek
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek, who was executed for being “human scum.”

North Korean news programs announced the developments and reviled Jang in language that could be considered Shakespearean in its strong and poetic content. These denouncements were delivered on North Korean television and radio in the typical heavy handed but stilted fashion typical of the regime and delivered by the best of their fire-breathing correspondents.

Typical broadcast tirades were:

Every sentence of the decision served as sledge-hammer blows brought down by our angry service personnel and people on the head of Jang, an anti-party, counter-revolutionary factional element and despicable political careerist and trickster.

The accused is a traitor to the nation for all ages who perpetrated anti-party, counter-revolutionary factional acts in a bid to overthrow the leadership of our party…

However, despicable human scum Jang, who was worse than a dog, perpetrated thrice-cursed acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the leader for him.

From long ago, Jang had a dirty political ambition. He dared not raise his head when Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il were alive. But, reading their faces, Jang had an ax to grind and involved himself in double-dealing. He began revealing his true colors, thinking that it was just the time for him to realize his wild ambition in the period of historic turn when the generation of the revolution was replaced.

Jang committed such an unpardonable thrice-cursed treason … When his cunning move proved futile … he behaved so arrogantly and insolently as unwillingly standing up from his seat and half-heartedly clapping.

When Kim Jong Il passed away so suddenly and untimely to our sorrow, he began working in real earnest to realize its long-cherished greed for power … he patronized those cat’s paws and let them hold important posts of the party and state.

— Actual quotes taken from KCNA, the North Korean News Agency

One site manager interviewed is pulling out all the stops to hire the dynamic, fiery writer to work for his website. “If I could get this guy on our side, we could wipe The Onion off the planet!”

Mad Magazine, a step ahead of the others, has already entered into the difficult negations and bribes with the difficult North Korean administration that it would take to get the writer out of the country. Word has it the ante is already up to a Humvee, a 3 x 5 foot flat screen TV, 50 live pigs and 5 young, nubile California hippie chicks.

Roger Freed