[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Revealed: Modern Science Revolution Led by Band of Deluded Half-Wits

“Fathers of science” found to be nothing but religious nutjobs

Modern man, it seems, has been much too generous in his estimation of the supposed “fathers of science.”  Long held to be towering geniuses in multiple fields, recent historical documents have revealed our hidden suspicions: that religious men of the likes of Johannes Kepler, Galileo Galilei, Tycho Brahe, Renee Descartes and Francis Bacon (all contemporaries) were — to use the scientific term — idiot nutjobs.

Modern Science Revolution Led by Half-WitsApparently, they could barely string two sentences together.

“God, God, science, God, God?” queried Kepler. “No, no.  God, science, Gody-god…God,” answered Bacon.

This excerpt (under the chapter heading Dialogue Concerning Two Chief Loons), was found in the recently discovered diary of theologian and pseudo-scientist, Robert Boyle.  It illustrates the true mental state of a group of men only concerned with the method of how to place the right foot into the right slipper, and not with methods of science or inductive learning, as was previously thought.

The diary also reveals that it was Boyle’s idea to perpetuate the myth that science came out of a theistic culture and mindset (known today as Whitehead’s Thesis) by giving the impression that these scientists discovered physical laws because they were searching for the “laws that God has put into nature.” (A quote that we now know was falsely attributed to Descartes).

Apparently, the idea came to Boyle while he was visiting a few close friends in various European sanitariums.  And so, things that Galileo actually said, like “Speechy-number quills” becomes famously rendered, “Mathematics is the language with which God has written the universe.”

This blatant revising of history by believers, going all the way back to Aristotle, would continue to fabricate fictional scientists and thinkers such as Alhazen, Isaac Newton, Andre Ampere, John Locke, Antoine Lavoisier, Gregor Mendel, Arthur Eddington, Max Planck, Georges Lemaitre, etc. etc. etc., in order to keep the myth alive.

And so, this motley crew of simpletons — men who spent their days talking to walls — were transformed magically into a group of rational, intelligent, scientific pioneers who somehow believed in God and still led the way in countless scientific and intellectual fields.

Well, at least now we know the truth.

Jeff Boldt