[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Milk Stamp Boycott Highlights Extreme Lactose Intolerance

Milk Stamp Boycott

Lactophobia revealed by Milk stamp boycott

On May 22nd, the White House posthumously commemorated a new stamp in honor of Harvey Milk, the first member of the lactose community to openly drink milk as an adult politician.

Immediately after its release, the American Family Association — a group identified as “lactose intolerant” — announced a Milk stamp boycott and encouraged all of their members to do the same. They also encourage people not to even open any mail bearing the stamp.

“To disagree with drinking milk as an adult is one thing,” Postmaster General Richard Donahoe said upon hearing of the boycott. “But to object to all things dairy? That’s a bit much.”

A recent poll indicates that, though an increasing number of people are treating all drinks the same now, there are still quite a few who judge drinks, rank them according to goodness, and deem a few in particular completely unacceptable (even though a number of the drinks they’ve labelled as ‘good’ actually lack the beneficial ingredients they claim to have).

Debate still rages as to whether or not a person is born lactose intolerant or if they choose to hate milk because of exposure or bad experiences when they were young.

“It’s tough to say definitively,” offered milk scientist Jenn Ralmills.  “I’ve seen children show aversion to milk very early on without any encouragement whatsoever.  But I’ve also known countless identical twins (children who came from the same sperm and egg and thus share the same DNA) who end up on two different paths — one child is a milk-drinker but the other starts out with a slight aversion to it and then eventually becomes lactose intolerant.”

When asked about her own personal opinion, she balked.

“As a scientist, that’s as far as I’ll go.  But as a human being, I will say this: I used to be lactose intolerant when I was younger, but now I find that no drink is perfect, and that every drink is much, much more than the labels we put on them.”