[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Rich Folk Experience Burning Man Just Like the ‘Little People’

“Such down-to-earth fun! And it only cost me 25 thousand!” says Mark Zuckerberg at Burning Man.

The filthy rich have discovered Burning Man — along with the simple joy of getting just plain filthy — all while mingling with the “little people.”

But they don’t get too close: they have their million dollar air-conditioned camps, with luxury baths to clean up in, and of course, lavish meals prepared by top chefs.

“It’s just sooo real here,” said Google’s Larry Page, “We like to come here to experience what it’s like to party just like an ordinary person. You can’t do that in the city. Waiter, more of that ’58 Mascarello Bartolo, please. And step on it!”

Yes, the twenty-eight year-old Burning Man festival, known for its free-wheeling hippy culture, bizarre floats, performance art and wild costumes, is now a vacation destination for the extremely well-to-do.

burning man yacht“I’m disappointed no one has set up any polo grounds,” snooted Jorge Paulo Lemann, 29th richest person in the world. “And when will they build a lake here, so we can go sailing?”

Although Mr. Lemann will have to wait on that lake, his group did go sailing — in a yacht on wheels. They lounged on the deck, making sure the common folk could see what a prodigious time they were having.

The whole Burning Man experience can still be quite an adjustment for the very rich, but many of them revel in the “primitive” nature of the event.

“I think it’s simply grand,” said Doutzen Kroes, super model. “I can show off my extravagant costumes, just like the commoners, and revel in all the compliments to my creativity! And I did work so hard on these costumes, telling the designers exactly what I wanted.”

“I love to get wild and crazy, right down there with the people,” said Taylor Swift, who had just flown in by helicopter from a show in Las Vegas.

“Of course, I wear a fancy mask, I don’t want to get mobbed. But I dance with them, and there are some sexy dudes here. I just might find next month’s boyfriend here!” she swooned.

In one luxury Burning Man camp, there were 30 “Sherpas” for twelve attendees. Tending to their employers hand and foot, these well-healed celebrants never actually have to do anything for themselves.

Things that are the biggest sources of pleasure for regular “burners,” as they are known, are regarded as a waste of time to these super-affluent attendees. The creativity involved in creating camps, costumes, floats, art installations, music and dance performances is what drives longtime festival-goers. But the rich have all that done for them.

“Our creativity is our money,” said Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook fame. “We created huge piles of wealth, isn’t that creative enough for you? That’s what we like to show off. Let them have their little costumes and cute art displays.”

“And everyone is so jealous. It’s fabulous! I’m posting about it right now, on Facebook, of course!” Zuckerberg continued.

“It’s all such down-to-earth fun! And it only cost me 25 thousand!” he said. “But all these faces, so many people — and many I haven’t seen on Facebook yet. Don’t they know that’s the real world? How can we gleen their personal information to sell if they don’t sign up?”

“There is one thing that really bugs me about the attitude here at Burning Man, though,” the Facebook mogul complained. “All this ‘what’s yours is mine’ crap. No f*cking way!”

James Israel
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