[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Entire Wal-Mart Store Trampled in New Year’s Sale Buying Spree

Humor Times Exclusive

They thought it couldn’t get any worse than the “Black Friday” trampling deaths of three people in a Wal-Mart at Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY, on November 28th. However, on New Year’s Day, at the Lampasas, TX Wal-Mart, all hell broke loose.

Witnesses say it was like a “human tsunami,” as wave after wave of frenzied shoppers, trying their best to get a good deal in this tight economy, overran employees, killing 18, before finally overwhelming the structure itself. The final death toll is not yet known.

Police estimate there were over 10,000 price-conscious shoppers, who, after bursting through the glass doors minutes before official opening time, crammed in so tight that the pressure actually weakened the walls, as the huge mass of bargain-starved humanity bulged them outward.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Annie Bizyclerk, who luckily arrived late for her shift, “I got here, and thousands and thousands of deal-hunting consumers were stampeding their way into the store. I was scared, but went around the back to the associate – that is, the employee – entrance, and then…” Her voice trailed off. Regaining her composure, she went on, “Then, I felt the ground begin to shake, and the building started to crumble. It was just awful. Now where can I work, for slave wages, 60 hours a week, with no overtime and no health benefits?”

After the collapse, police say they did their best to round up people who had survived to get them to the hospital. “But they were running away, holding beat-up packages, some of them with obviously broken bones and bad injuries,” said Officer James L. Resturorder, adding, “I guess they got their bargains.”

“Hey, I’ve been in line since yesterday morning, and put up with bricks and crap falling all over me, so I deserve this!” said Roger Deelsarkule, one of the lucky shoppers, having actually survived and in possession of a deluxe gas barbeque set he was rolling home. “And I didn’t want to roll this heavy thing over those people’s heads, they just got in the way.” A minute or so later, Deelsarkule was arrested by police swarming the scene.

Wal‑Mart, in a statement issued at its headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., said, “The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority. We offer our thoughts and prayers for them and their families at this tragic time, at no extra charge. Surviving associates are reminded that they are to report for work in the morning, where other associates will patch you up so you can get back to work without wasting time on needless medical care.”

James Israel
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