[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Republicans Filibuster Roll Call

GOP emboldened by 41-seat ‘Super Minority’

A Humor Times exclusive

WASHINGTON — Claiming to be saving America from the Dems’ “socialist agenda,” Republicans broke historic new ground in obstructionism by threatening a filibuster at the Senate roll call this morning, saying it was necessary to “avert the calamity of any further deliberation.”

Any senator may demand a roll call at any moment to establish a quorum, so Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell did so, and then promptly announced a filibuster. Since all they have to do is threaten a filibuster, the Senators then bolted for their favorite bar.

It appears that the Senate is now even more stymied than before, if that’s possible. “We can’t do anything,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “since we only have an 18 seat majority.”

“Let’s face it, we’re going to filibuster anything the Democrats offer anyway, so why even bother convening the Senate? This saves everyone time and effort, and that’s what the American people want,” said Senator John McCain. “In case you forgot, I was a prisoner of war, and I fought for this freedom. Even though I used to be against filibusters. But that’s when we had the majority.”

The GOP has made no secret that they are determined to shut down all Senate activity until they can win back the Congress. “We don’t work well as a minority, so we’re going to throw a tantrum until the American people right this terrible wrong,” said Senator McConnell. “They should’ve known better,” he added.

“We’re really sorry if we acted presumptuously,” offered Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), “we should’ve considered their feelings. Next time, before we introduce any bills, I’m going to personally run it by Senator Joe Liebermann first. He knows the pulse of his party — er, I mean of the Republican Party — best.”

James Israel
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