By Ben Krull
“No other media people fought the war. In fact, most of the liberal media attacked me…for actually standing up for Christmas.” — Bill O’Reilly, November 17, 2011
To: President Barack Obama
Re: The War on Christmas
The following is the multi-prong attack plan you requested. In order to avoid unnecessarily provocative language, “War on Christmas” will be replaced by “Airborne Sleigh Obliteration Operation” in all official documents. We considered using “Jihad on Christmas,” but it polled poorly with independent voters.
Re-Branding Campaign: The salutation Merry Christmas will be prohibited in all federal facilities and governmental correspondence. In place of the banned phrase we suggest Merry CrissMs.; Merry Malcolm X-Mass; and Merry Sixth Day of Hannukah. “Merry” should be replaced by “Gay” whenever possible.
Re-Education Plan: Education funding will only be distributed to states utilizing history text-books that highlight the banning of Christmas by the Puritans, during Colonial times. Santa’s fictional origins will be made part of the curriculum for all Head Start programs.
Demoralize the Enemy: Employ CIA operatives to infiltrate Republican households and place coal in their stockings. Cookies left for Santa will be replaced with fruit plates.
Economic Sanctions: The IRS will audit Bill O’Reillys taxes every single year.
Cut Off The Head of The Snake: The First Lady will lead a public information campaign that makes Kris Kringle the poster boy for combating obesity. Municipal unions will be “encouraged” to supply “volunteers” to protest department stores that employ fat Santas.
We are still considering Axelrod’s idea of leaking stories to MSNBC, about department store Santas attempting to molest children sitting on their laps.
Death by A Thousand Regulations: In addition to the Agriculture Department’s proposal to institute a fifteen cent Christmas tree tax, the EPA will require that all Christmas yard displays use expensive energy-efficient light bulbs. Our goal is to make the holiday so costly that only the one-percent will be able to celebrate!
O.R.P.: Permits will be expedited for groups protesting the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. An army of unemployed Americans will receive stipends for attending the Occupy Rockefeller Plaza protests, and signs will be distributed reading, “Newt GinGrinch is Santa Claus For The One Percent.”
Military Justice: The Judge Advocate General’s Corps (JAG) will supply covert logistical support to American Atheists, which is brining legal challenges against public nativity scenes. The ACLU has agreed to write a friend of the court brief, which argues that the creches violate the separation between Mosque and state.
Wartime Economy: Winning the War on Christmas may negatively impact the economy. To ameliorate the effects of our victory Kwanza will be elevated to national holiday status, with an emphasis on the holiday’s gift-giving tradition.
On a related note we have complied with your directive to mail holiday cards to voters in Iowa and New Hampshire that say, “Seasons Greetings From Mister and Missuses Mitt Romney.”