By Ben Krull
Happy Newt Year!
What celebrity will be caught cheating on his spouse? Which politician will say something stupid in a Youtube video that gets a million hits? Here is your chance to predict the wackiest events of 2012. Register your answers at www.youcan’tmakethisup.com.
The winner of the Republican presidential race will be:
A) Mitt Romney (after Newt Gingrich is caught sexting Michelle Bachmann).
B) Newt Gingrich (after the Drudge Report posts medical records showing that Mitt Romney has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder).
C) Ron Paul (after all the other candidates are indicted and sent to prison).
D) The Democratic party.
The Euro Zone will:
C) Be renamed “Dead Zone.”
D) Be renamed “Germany.
”The biggest grossing movie of 2012 will be:
A) A remake of “The Incredible Hulk,” starring baseball MVP Ryan Braun, who is transformed into the superhero, after accidently ingesting record levels of human growth hormone.
B) A remake of the 1976 classic “Network,” in which Alec Baldwin stars as a fair and balanced television reporter driven crazy by his network’s conservative agenda.
C) A Russian version of “The Social Network” starring Vladmir Putin, as an ambitious politician forced from office after he is caught sending bare-chested photographs of himself to women he met on the internet.
Occupy Wall Street will:
A) Merge with the Tea Party and become Occupy Boston Harbor.
B) Become a reality TV show, that makes enough money to turn the cast into members of the
C) Be outsourced to protestors in Tianeman Square, after China buys America’s financial sector as part of a bailout deal.
Investigators will reveal that the 1.2 billion dollars missing from MF Global was:
A) Used by Jon Corzine to pay off a bet he lost to Mitt Romney.
B) Mistakenly used by Donald Trump to wallpaper his bathroom.
C) Placed in a vault in Area 51, that also contained Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth-certificate.
D) Hidden in Jon Corzine’s beard.
The biggest blooper of the presidential campaign will be:
A) Newt Gingrich, saying that President Obama’s daughters should get jobs as janitors, so that they don’t grow up to be drug-dealers.
B) At a fund-raiser in New York City Mitt Romney is secretly taped telling a supporter that he hates the Red Sox, and only rooted for them when he was Massachusettes’ governor, to win votes.
C) Joe Biden tells reporters that even though President Obama has done a lousy job voters should re-elect him, because black people will riot and cause anarchy if he loses.
The best selling book Of 2012 will be:
A) Herman Cain’s self-help book “How To Hit On Hundreds Of Babes And Keep Your Marriage Going”.
B) Lindsay Lohan’s prison-memoir “My Journey To Christ”.
C) “Families Man” Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoir about joining a fundamentalist Mormon cult (Translated from the Schwarzeneggereze by John Edwards).
This new word will be added to the dictionary:
A) NoBamaCare: What ObamaCare will be known as after the Supreme Court rules it unconstitutional.
B) Islamistan: the new country formed after Islamic extremists gain power in Libya and Egypt.
C) Campsigning: New style of political campaigning that consists of multiple book signing appearances.
D) Iranic: Describes the irony of the U.S. invading a second Middle Eastern country to prevent the use of non-existent WMDs.
A version of this essay appeared in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette on January 1, 2012. The link is: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/12001/1200266-109-0.stm