By Tim Mollen
Journal entry: January 1, 1987 (age 17)
It’s my senior year in high school, so this year’s resolutions need to be especially new, annual, and resolute. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
- Start smoking.
- Quit smoking the next day, thereby establishing that I am capable of keeping a New Year’s resolution.
- Watch last night’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 1987 on my VCR, then tape over the segments featuring the Jets and the Miami Sound Machine.
- Continue to base my behavior on the irrefutable fact that I know way more than my parents do.
- Get a varsity letter in running from the cops after parties down at the river.
- Break it to Fievel that there is no one out there.
- File a civil rights lawsuit against people who wear Member’s Only jackets.
- Lure Geraldo Rivera back into Al Capone’s vault with vague promises of “some real dirt.”
- Get into a college without a phys ed requirement.
- For my high school graduation ceremony, arrange for the speaker to be a personal assistant to Australian funnyman Paul “Crocodile Dundee” Hogan.
- Rework the title of my college application essay, “Mascot Major: Let Me Be the Anthropomorphic, Frisbee-flinging Face of your University.”
- Convince an elderly senator from Texas to run for president and choose beloved television icon Robert Guillaume as his running mate, creating an unstoppable Bentsen-Benson ticket.
- Escalate my long-running feud with media tycoon Ted Turner by co-opting what I believe will be his next successful move – blackandwhitizing films shot in color.
- Join the cast of Saturday Night Live and angrily refuse to hug anyone during the closing credits.
- Live more Bon Jovily.
- Cross that bridge well before I come to it.
- Visit the refurbished Statue of Liberty and tell her that some of my best friends are the wretched refuse of the teeming shore, and she can’t have them.
- Petition the Federal Reserve to revert to the gold standard with the important caveat that it be based on copies of the 12-inch dance mix of “Gold,” by Spandau Ballet.
- Marry Miss Walsh, my former English teacher and current yearbook moderator. (I read Ethan Frome for this woman.)
- Attend the second birthday party of Stefani Germanotta and refer to her as “Baby Googoo.”
- Mime louder.
- Get backstage on the second season of The Oprah Winfrey Show and tip her off to Phil Donohue’s plans to start a televised book club, yell the name of any celebrity he is introducing, and put himself on the cover of every issue of his own magazine, Phil.
- Fail with greater dignity.