Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/28/16

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

The North Pole is an insane 36 degrees warmer than normal as winter descends

Look for the new hit single ‘Santa Claus is Surfing to Town.’

Trump flip-flops on six issues during NY Times interview

No surprise, he did show up to the meeting wearing a pantsuit.

Fidel Castro dies at age 90

It actually happened two days earlier, but they thought he was doing the mannequin challenge.

Jill Stein raised over 2 million dollar in less than 24 hours for vote recount

So, that’s why they call it the Green Party…

CNN accidentally airs 30 minutes of non-stop hardcore porn

How bad are ratings? No one noticed for 30 minutes.

President Obama pardons a turkey

Next year look for President Trump to just trade it in for a younger one.

Kanye says he would have voted for Trump

Cutting Hillary’s popular lead from 2,100,000 to 2.099,999 votes.

Happy birthday, Harpo Marx

A woot, woot and a *Honk. Honk* to his memory.

Pets on pot: Cannabis for animals takes off

As do pizza and nacho flavored pet treats.

Ben Carson tapped for head of Housing and Urban Development

Although, he really is more qualified to run the Department of Low Energy.

Mike Pence refuses to rule out torture in a Trump administration

Well, Chris Christie has been a very, very bad boy.

Tila Tequila suspended from twitter after posting Nazi salute photo and tweeting hate speech

Tila Tequila, please stop giving a bad name to a perfectly fine adult beverage.

Kellyanne Conway says Trump getting foreign Intel from “many sources” – not just daily US intelligence briefings

So, he’s outsourcing intel, too.

Kanye West calls out Beyoncé and Mark Zuckerberg before abruptly ending concert

Someone clearly needs a talking to from the cast of ‘Hamilton.’

Trump won’t try to prosecute Clinton after all

He does promise if she stays at a Trump Hotel, her room will have a lousy view.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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