The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Kathy Griffin

Comedian Kathy Griffin is interviewed by our intrepid radio talk show host, Jerry Duncan.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is comedian and political activist Kathy Griffin.

kathy griffinKATHY GRIFFIN

Hey, what kind of coffee is this? It must have been sitting in an old boot.

JERRY

Damn. Now I remember where I poured it. (pause) Wow, you really screwed up. Last May you posted a picture of yourself and a bloody severed head of Donald Trump on Instagram and Twitter.

GRIFFIN

I’m not trying to make excuses, but his face looked better than mine. Hey Duncan, I apologized. Fake tears. Boo-hoo.

JERRY

You were fired from your New Years Eve gig with Anderson Cooper on CNN, you lost comedy club bookings and you cancelled your stand up tour. That’s a lot of cash down the drain.

GRIFFIN

I know. I’m having more nightmares than Barron Trump. My luck has been so bad that I was arrested by the LAPD for stalking a cat. The good news is that I’m back on CNN. There’s a special called Psycho Comedians Gone Wild. I’m the main subject of an investigative report.

JERRY

Your face looks like it’s been worked on more times than I can count.

GRIFFIN

Since you can only count to six that’s not bad by Hollywood standards. Come to think of it, I could use another lip job. Thanks for reminding me, monkey nuts.

JERRY

How do you earn a living?

GRIFFIN

I’m an entrepreneur. I go door to door in Beverly Hills and spread rumors about the neighbors. Some of these folks are great tippers. I also have a lemonade stand at a Hollywood freeway off ramp. Those guys selling oranges don’t have a chance. I’m ruthless, Duncan.

JERRY

Sounds like you have a future, Kathy Griffin.

GRIFFIN

Yeah, my life on the F-List.

JERRY

What does the F stand for?

GRIFFIN

See my middle finger sticking up?

JERRY

Got it. Are you still friends with Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and all those other no talents?

GRIFFIN

I am. And they have more talent on one hand than you have in that big caboose you’re sitting on. They worked hard to get to the top.

JERRY

That’s true, because I guarantee you Rosie and Whoopi weren’t on the casting couch unless they needed a nap.

GRIFFIN

Oh I see. Jerry cracked a funny about Kathy’s friends. This means war. Let’s go through some dirt I have on you from my old show My Life On the D-List.

JERRY

Screw you Bozo the Clown.

GRIFFIN

This is funny. You always wanted to be the mom when you played house as a little kid.

JERRY

Liar.

KATHY

You peed on the floor during circle time in kindergarten and the kids ran out of the room screaming.

JERRY

You’re nuts.

GRIFFIN

Oh here’s a juicy one. You dared your best friend to eat a booger on his peanut butter sandwich in high school.

JERRY

That’s true. But it was his booger not mine.

GRIFFIN

You backed your dad’s car through a closed garage door and blamed your dog. By the way, I reported the incident to PETA. Then there was this hooker…

JERRY

Truce! I surrender. The war is over.

GRIFFIN

I hope you learned a lesson big mouth.

JERRY

And speaking of big mouth. Are you planning to reschedule your comedy tour?

GRIFFIN

For sure. It’s going to be called The Fake Apology Tour. Doubling down on ripping Trump. I’m one of those nasty women he talks about. I think it’s because I used to be bulimic.

JERRY

You liked to barf?

GRIFFIN

Yeah. I’d go on a date to a fancy restaurant. Heads would turn because I was famous. You know what I did for laughs?

JERRY

Not wear make-up?

GRIFFIN

I’d order a big steak, potato, entree and dessert. Afterwards, I’d stand up on the chair and stick my finger down my throat. It didn’t take long for people around me to puke their brains out. I don’t know, I thought it was funny.

JERRY

I’m gagging. Somebody get me a bucket and make it fast. My stomach is rumbling and I got bad gas. See you tomorrow everyone. Maybe.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.