More Better English for Internet Trolls

Finally! Help for creatively challenged internet trolls!

internet trollsAre you one of the many creatively challenged internet trolls, limited to trite insults for unlikable, unattractive and uppity women? Would you like to deliver more original and inspired pejoratives? Consider insipid references to Sarah Huckabee Sanders as a “fat slob” and our president’s mundane use of “fat pig” to dispatch Rosie O’Donnell. How much more impressive to unfurl “Pot-Bellied Slimebucket!” or “Whopping Walloping Lummox!” trippingly on the tongue!

We here at the Center for Creative Misogyny are offering a one-time only reduced rate on our Art of Sexist Invective 101! Guaranteed to improve your vocabulary and put to rest the public’s impression that simple, time-worn slurs indicate poor education or cognitive impairment.

Following are some snappy synonyms guaranteed to jolt your brain and up your game!

Synonyms for FAT Synonyms for SLOB
Corpulent, Roly-poly, Blimpy, Tubby Ragamuffin, Draggletail, Tatterdemalion
Whopping, Walloping, Butterball Boob, Buffoon, Bumpkin, Churl,
Plumpish, Pot-bellied, Rotund, Chunky Vulgarian, Sluggard, Laggard
Elephantine, Colossal, Super-Colossal Lay-A-Bout, Slimebucket, Slattern, Ogress
Dumpy, Meaty, Stuffed, Porcine Good-For-Nothing,   Lummox, Clodhopper
Humongous, Mondo, Jumbo  
Commodious, Capacious, Paunchy  
Bay-Window, Spare-Tire, Jelly-belly  
Prodigious, Voluminous, Gargantuan  
Beefy, Copious, Massive, Mammoth,  
Whale-like, Bovine  

How it works: the aspiring troll need only randomly mix and match. We’ll even help you form complete sentences! In our Sexist Invective 201 advanced class, the practiced, seasoned offender will learn actual elements of poetic craft!

Alliteration: Corpulent Clodhopper, Roly-poly Ragamuffin, Tubby Tatterdemalion, Butterball Bumpkin

Assonance: Chunky Lummox, Dumpy Sluggard, Copious Ogress

Both Alliteration and Assonance: Stuffed Sluggard, Spare-tire Slimebucket

Assonance with Slant Rhyme: Gargantuan Slattern

End Rhyme for use in separate lines of a full poem: Whopping Walloping Good-for-Nothing

And finally, we show internet trolls how to let their imaginations run wild! Our unique free association brainstorming techniques produce made up words that render an adversary speechless. Our graduates have produced such zingers as: Hooberdoober, Ragabooger, Ragaschlopper, Schlopahagger, Oafaschmacker and Rootyschnozle.

Imagine your uniquely creative utterance scrolling across the ticker strip of Fox News! Adulations! Thousands of new Twitter followers! With our ten week online Art of Sexist Invective 101 we guarantee your brand of misogynist mudslinging will improve tenfold! Sign up now before man-hating feminists seize the media! Tomorrow may be too late!

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Victoria Millard
Seattle resident Victoria Millard writes poetry, humor, essays and memoir. She wrote/performed in 10 stage comedies and created medical parody/physical comedy as hospital clown.
Victoria Millard

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