The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Think Tank

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. We have three special guests, comprising today’s think tank: Vice President Mike Pence, former Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura and producer and writer Woody Allen. Welcome gentlemen.

Think Tank, Mike Pence, Woody Allen, Jesse Ventura
Think Tank: Mike Pence, Woody Allen and Jesse Ventura.

JERRY

Today we are going to talk about our government in chaos. Is it, Mr. Vice President?

PENCE

Not at all. Let me say that the state of the union has never been better. Under this president, the unemployment rate is at 4 percent, people are seeing more money in their paychecks and our military is stronger than ever.

JERRY

Same question to you Governor Ventura.

VENTURA

Trump sucks. There’s Russiagate and Bimbogate. He has a bromance with Vladimar Putin and had a romance with playmate Karen McDougal while he was married to Melania. Not to mention hanky panky with porn star Stormy Daniels at the same time.

WOODY

Do you think I could set up a play date with Karen and Stormy? I like intelligent women.

JERRY

You wouldn’t know it, little man. Your favorite pick up line is “Say dada.”

WOODY

Now I have to see my shrink, you creep. Lots of things are going through my head.

VENTURA

Get over here four eyes. I’ll tweak your head so that all you’ll be thinking about is your pain.

PENCE

Jerry, the Bible says you must remove the evil people among you.

VENTURA

Are you talking about me, Penster?

PENCE

Yes I am.

VENTURA

Woody and Jerry, do you know why Mike Pence picks his nose?

JERRY

Humor me.

VENTURA

Because he’s the boogeyman.

PENCE

I am honorable. I don’t even look at other women.

JERRY

That’s too bad, because Stormy Daniels called yesterday and told me she wants to spank you.

PENCE

Oh my. What would my wife Karen think?

JERRY

About looking at another woman?

PENCE

No. About being spanked when I didn’t do anything wrong.

WOODY

To your question about the government being in chaos. We need to have better relationships with our international partners. Trump needs to quit calling heads of state nasty names. Do you know Soon Yi and I have to grow our own rice because of the tariffs Trump imposed in March? Our backyard looks like Vietnam.

VENTURA

Hey, I live in Mexico.The tariffs are so high, I can’t afford soybeans for building my muscles. And when I’m mad, I become wild and out of control.

WOODY

Just like when you were Governor of Minnesota.

Ventura grabs Woody by the neck.

WOODY

Yikes!! Take it easy, I’m wearing glasses.

A crunching sound is heard.

VENTURA

You were wearing glasses.

PENCE

Stop! The Bible says you shall love, not hate.

VENTURA

We’ll the Bible also says that “they saddled his ass and rode him out of town.”

PENCE

Who’s they?

VENTURA

See these two fists?

PENCE

Bible lesson over.

JERRY

There’s lots of scandals, Penster. Explain how Secretary of Treasury Steve Mnuchin, the idiot without a vowel in his last name spent $25,000 of taxpayer money for a military flight from New York to Washington DC. Or the time he and his wannabe actress wife took a military flight to Fort Knox to examine all the gold bars like King Midas.

WOODY

No honor among thieves. Just ask Dr. Ben Carson who was going to spend $31,000 of taxpayer money for a dining room table set until he got caught.

VENTURA

If that isn’t bad enough, there is proof that the Trump organization took gifts from foreign dignitaries staying at the Trump International Hotel.

PENCE

I can explain. First, Steve Mnuchin is really Steve Munchkin. His grandparents changed the spelling after they came to America from the Land of Oz. Second, Steve needed a secure phone for his flight to Washington DC because he was making a movie deal for his wife. Third, he visited Fort Knox so he could count all the gold bars. Just to make sure nothing was stolen by the Democrats. Fourth, Dr. Ben Carson said his wife is dyslexic and thought the dining room table set was $31. An honest mistake. Don’t you think?

VENTURA

See my middle finger?

JERRY

Collusion and obstruction of justice against Trump are being investigated by Special Counselor Robert Mueller in the Russia probe. Three administration officials have pleaded guilty to working with the Russians. Paul Manafort, Trump’s former campaign manager has been charged with conspiracy.

PENCE

No need to press the panic button. If the president resigns or is impeached, I’ll be in charge.

WOODY

What? Women won’t be able to wear dresses that show skin. No more swear words without being fined. They’ll be religion taught in school.

PENCE

Who said all that?

WOODY

You did.

PENCE

Oh.

VENTURA

The only way to end the current chaos is for me to go to the White House and have a wrestling tournament. He who wins the championship becomes the next president.

JERRY

Great idea.

WOODY

Yes.

PENCE

Who will I wrestle?

VENTURA

You’re looking at him, Pillsbury dough boy. Everybody has to go through Jesse ‘The Body’  Ventura.

WOODY

Call 911. The Penster just fainted.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.