The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Sean Hannity & Rachel Maddow

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Rachel Maddow and Sean Hannity.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

sean hannity, rachel maddowJERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guests are television hosts Rachel Maddow and Sean Hannity.

RACHEL MADDOW

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Hello Ms. Maddow.

MADDOW

Rachel, please.

JERRY

And Mr. Hannity.

SEAN HANNITY

Sean.

MADDOW

No, Lumpy—he hates the name.

HANNITY

Hey Rachel, did you steal that suit you’re wearing from Boy George?

JERRY

Okay, truce. Ladies first.

MADDOW

Go ahead, Sean.

HANNITY

I’m going to humiliate you on Hannity. Keep it up.

JERRY

Rachel. When you were in high school, you described yourself as a cross between a  jock and the antisocial girl. What does that mean?

MADDOW

I was on the high school swim, volleyball and girls basketball teams. Loved sports. But I discovered books and became a nerd instead. Ended up at Stanford.

HANNITY

That’s where the liberals hang out.

JERRY

How about you, Sean?

HANNITY

I couldn’t handle college so I became a painter.

JERRY

Oh. Are you a connoisseur of the great masters?

MADDOW

Sure he is. Masters and Johnson, Dutch Masters, Mastercard.

HANNITY

Okay, Duncan. I was a house painter for five years.

MADDOW

And he didn’t think he’d finish painting the house.

HANNIY

Shut up, loser.

HANNITY

Then I framed houses.

JERRY

You framed more than that, fella.

HANNITY

What do you mean?

JERRY

How about taking the proceeds from the country music Freedom Concert charity event in 2003? The IRS and FTC issued a complaint alleging that you falsely promoted a scholarship fund for children killed or wounded in war.

HANNITY

Obama did it. Just ask my attorney Michael Cohen. Would he lie?

JERRY

Hey Hannity, you’re Irish. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

HANNITY

No clue.

JERRY

One less drunk.

MADDOW

Thank you for sharing that with us.

JERRY

Speaking of sharing, I understand you had a cordial relationship with Fox New Channel CEO Roger Ailes.

MADDOW

I did. Roger was nice enough to give me technical help on getting an advantage over my competition.

HANNITY

I’m your competition! Unbelievable, Roger wanted me to fail.

JERRY

Ha, ha, ha. And after all the years that you sucked up to Mr. Five by Five.

HANNITY

Too bad I’m not a proctologist, because I would have known Roger was an asshole.

JERRY

Forget it. Let’s talk about Trump.

MADDOW

Bad man.

HANNITY

Good man.

JERRY

Garbage man. Cheated on his wives, cheated on his taxes and bragged about it, knows more Russians than the names of members in Congress, lies every time he speaks. We have video and tweets for proof.

HANNITY

Hold on runny mouth, Trump is not a politician. And yet he had the largest inauguration crowd in the history of the presidency.

MADDOW

Liar, liar pants on fire. In 2009, Barack Obama had 1.8 million. Donald Trump only 700,000.

HANNITY

Did you count the Russians watching on big screen TV in Red Square?

MADDOW

My mistake. You’re right. Putin put him over the top.

HANNITY

Trump gave my people tax cuts. Err, the American taxpayer a payday.

MADDOW

You mean a payday loan. Only people that own 877 residential properties like you reap the benefits.

JERRY

Hannity. Give it up.

HANNITY

Did you know that Hillary Clinton ran a sex ring out of a pizza parlor? Here’s a good one. There’s a conspiracy by the Justice Department to overthrow our government.

JERRY

Nice try. Good for ratings on Fox Noise. I suppose you’ll throw out the red meat that Obama was born in Kenya.

HANNITY

Thank you for the reminder. That’s one of my favorite lines.

MADDOW

For all your bravado, The Rachel Maddow Show is number 1 on cable television.

HANNITY

Fake ratings.

JERRY

I don’t watch your show on Fox News, but when I do it’s on Comedy Central. Just a suggestion, change the name from Hannity to Insanity.

HANNITY

Let me set the record straight–I don’t believe anything I’ve ever said.

JERRY

Hey listeners, take it from Uncle Jerry. In order to recognize bullshit, nose is better than ear. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
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