Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/4/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

kim kardashian, donald trump

Trump/Kim summit is back on

Well, technically, it’s the second Trump/Kim summit.

Giuliani got booed on his birthday by entire Yankee Stadium

…and people say New Yorkers can’t agree on anything!

Roseanne Barr blames Ambien for tweet that led to show’s cancellation

It was more like Roseanne was on Klanbien.

Lions, tigers, jaguars escape from German Zoo

Lions and tigers and jaguars! Oh my!

‘Deadliest Catch’ star Blake Painter found dead at age 38

No word if authorities think there’s something fishy about his death.

Starbucks closes 8,000 stores today

That means a lot of screenplays will actually get finished.

GOP lawmaker: Porn partly to blame for school shootings

Someone’s confusing gun shot with money shot… honest mistake.

CIA report says North Korea won’t denuclearize but might open a burger joint

So, the plan is to kill them slowly with high cholesterol and diabetes.

Samantha Bee apologized for calling Ivanka Trump a ‘feckless c&$t’

No word whether that apology was to Ivanka or the feckless.

Sears closes 40 stores in 24 states

Or, as they’re also known Sears Nobucks.

Missouri’s Governor, Eric Greitens, a rising G.O.P. star, resigns amid scandal

… in effect, turning Missouri into the ‘Show Him the Door State.’

ABC in talks to reboot ‘Roseanne’ centered around Sara Gilbert

… or, they can replace Roseanne with Christopher Plummer.

Trump puts tariffs on Canada based on National Security

Well, they did unleash Bieber on the U.S.

The US economy added 223,000 jobs in May

Would have been 223,001 but, y’know, Ambien…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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