Transplanted Heart Refuses to Stay in Dick Cheney’s Chest

By Roger Freed

Surgeons have had great difficulty with fitting former President of Vice Dick Cheney (aka ‘Tricky Dicky the Second’) with a transplanted heart. Each attempt to put a foreign heart into the open breast of  Mr. Cheney has resulted in rejection — not Mr. Cheney’s body rejecting the heart but rather the heart rejecting Mr. Cheney.

The latest procedure ended when the most recent heart upon being put into the chest cavity jumping out and running out of the surgery gallery screaming  “AAAGGGGGHHHH!!! ITS ICE COLD IN THERE!  ITS DARK AND REALLY CREEPY! LET ME OUT OF HERE! ANYTHING BUT THERE!! AAAAGHHHHH!!!!”

Similar experiences had occurred with with other hearts that have been attempted to be put in the former dictator of Halliburton. Usually the surgical staff have had to chase the fleeing heart down the hospital hallways trying to catch it, often ending with the little organ choosing self destruction rather than be implanted into the world famous torture advocate.

The hearts have been known to jump screaming out of hospital windows, drown themselves in acid baths, impale themselves on surgical knives and to poison themselves on hospital cafeteria food.

One heart, when cornered by hospital staff, choose to strangle itself with its own aorta rather than be taken. Another, successfully implanted into the most famous legal dictators chest, turned purple and withered immediately from the toxic shock.

In a desperate attempt to get a heart for the ailing ex-mini despot, surgeons contacted a Mayan group specializing in the ritual sacrifice of a female virgin that their culture had been so famous for in its pre-Columbus history. For an undisclosed donation amount from the Cheney Charitable Fund For Saving My Own Ass, the Mayan priests sacrificed a young woman by cutting her still beating heart out on an altar in a religious ceremony and shipped it immediately to America where an emergency procedure installed it. Unfortunately, having a female heart in the world’s most famous Darth Vader impersonator made the big man more compassionate, feminine and understanding of others, qualities that Mr. Cheney couldn’t abide and he had it ripped out immediately.

For the next plan they approached the Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz for help in getting the former water boarding enthusiast a heart just as he had done with the Tin Man. The Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz came out, took one look at the former U.S. Treasury money sucker and said, “I’m a wizard, not God Almighty who can do impossible miracles.” and left.

A solution was finally reached when the heart of an Asian Komodo dragon was successfully put into the famous draft dodgers rib cage. Komodo dragons are by nature cold blooded, merciless and ruthlessly aggressive, making the transplant a huge success and leaving the highly acclaimed chicken hawk with a feeling of immense success satisfaction and a strange sexual longing for a female Komodo.

Roger Freed