[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Hoodies More Popular Than Ever: Neighborhood Watch Captains Miffed

As ‘Million Hoodie Marches’ morph into everyday fashion, racists at a loss as to who to hate, shoot

It’s not just young hoodlums anymore, or joggers, or athletes warming up on a chilly day. Ever since the incident in Florida, and after several “Million Hoodie Marches” staged around the country, people everywhere have donned hoodies as an everyday political fashion statement.

Geraldo Rivera in a hoodie
Geraldo, caught trying to hide from the press in a hoodie.

Businessmen in suits by the hundreds are walking to work with hoodies protruding from their suits, some covering their heads, some not. Shoppers at grocery stores are wearing them. Young and old alike; black, white and every shade in between, hoodies are more popular than ever.

But how will law enforcement and neighborhood watches do their jobs now? And what will become of Geraldo Rivera? Will his head explode on national TV, as he tries to explain that nearly every American is exhibiting threatening, antisocial behavior by wearing hoodies?

After all, on a “Fox & Friends” show last week Rivera said, “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.” Later, he tried to back away from that statement, saying, “What I meant to say is that people don’t kill people, hoodies do.”

Yet Geraldo was spotted yesterday, trying to hide from the press in a hoodie himself.

“I was talking about parents telling their kids not to wear these things,” Rivera explained. “I’m not a kid. I just say things immature teenagers would say.”

hoodie wearers
Ordinary people donned hoodies across the country as they went about their everyday activities.

Neighborhood watch captains in areas with “Stand your ground” laws say they are left in a quandary. How can they possibly tell who is a hoodlum or gangster when everyone is wearing hoodies?

“There they go again, they always are getting away with it,” said George Zimmerman, the as yet unarrested watchman who shot Trayvon Martin, in an exclusive interview granted to this reporter yesterday.

“It used to be so easy, like different uniforms worn by sports teams or opposing armies,” said Zimmerman. “He’s wearing a hoodie, he’s up to no good. Simple. But now, how can we vigilantes possibly enforce the law, like we’re not supposed to?”

Police departments in cities across America are on high alert. “With everybody wearing hoodies, it’s only a matter of time before they start breaking store windows and running out with merchandise,” said Police Captain Ersie Joyner III, from Oakland, California.

“We’ve had enough trouble recently, with these Occupy types. How many heads can one police force bash in anyway? It leads to too much paperwork,” said the visibly exasperated captain.

Not all the news was bad, however. “One thing for sure,” said clothing shop owner Sam Rudell of Sanford, Florida, where the shooting occurred. “Hoodie sales are through the roof. We’re making a mint.”

Hoodie death - Taylor Jones cartoon.

Answer our poll on the subject: If Hoodie Wearers Deserve to Be Shot, Who Else Does?

James Israel
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